Sunday, March 29, 2009

So many poly people!

Wow! I can't believe how many poly people are out there! The lady at http://3rdlady.blogspot.com/ wrote some nice things on my last post and when I read her blog and all the other comments and then some other blogs I can see why what I have been doing here is kind of a fairy tale. I really want to say thank you to everyone who wrote a comment for me and then led me to their blogs. It really helps me appreciate what I have.

I got to talk to Shari and Christie about the jealousy thing and both of them said there is some jealousy for them with me joining the family. Shari said it was her cross to bear and Christie was just simple saying that it was natural to have a little jealousy. During the week Shari and I had a chance to talk and she said she wanted me here because she wants more little kids in the house and was afraid that she might not have anymore. She's concerned that menopause is happening to her and said that after Hannah was born she was afraid there might be no more babies for her and that was a part of why she wanted Christie and then me to join the family. She says she loves me now that she is getting to know me better and wants me here even if I don't have any babies.

Christie and I sat up way late on Friday night talking and she told me a lot of things. Christie is okay with a lot of the rules here but she does her own thing too. Her hair isn't so long like Shari's and she isn't so into the church like Shari is. Christie says she has some jealousy for me being with Steve but that it isn't that she is so jealous of me just that she wants to be with him too. Christie is a lot more sexual than I am and has a real thing for getting pregnant and being pregnant. I can kind of understand that because I'm starting to really want to be a mom and when I'm with Steve now it's been really neat to think we could be making a baby. And this weekend is my period so I'm not pregnant right now. Christie says everytime she has her period it's a thrill to her to be with Steve because then she wonders what might happen. I wasn't thinking like that and just thought once you started having sex that sooner or later you'd have a baby but now the way Christie talks it's like you get to have your first time sort of every month.

I hope I don't talk too much about sex but this is all new to me and I'm thinking about it a lot anymore. It probably sounds stupid but I used to think about having babies and being married without ever really thinking about sex. I mean I knew what it took to have a baby and I knew what married people did but I just never thought of it like I would be doing it myself. It's like I am this whole different person now in some ways. I never thought about it before that I would like being loved by a man and now I just kind of go wheeeee! when Steve is with me! I just love being kissed and held and he just makes me melt sometimes when he looks at me. And then the sex is just so amazing! It's so wonderful to be so close to Steve that way and I can understand when Shari and Christie say they get a little jealous because it is something to want.

I got to see Christie and Shari have a little argument this week. Stevie is talking more about wanting to get married when she turns 16 and Christie is totally against it and says Stevie needs to go to college and see the world a little before she makes this decision and Shari was saying Christie is a hypocrite because Christie has said in the past that she wished she had got married at 16 instead of waiting and then screwing up her life for so many years. Shari said to me later that this is going to be hard to deal with because she knows that Stevie has her mind made up and that Christie does too and so it will be a hard time coming with them. Shari says she and Steve would rather Stevie go to college at least until she is 18 but that they know Stevie doesn't care to study so much and just wants to be a wife. Lauren is different and wants to go to college and travel like Christie did before getting married so there is no fight about Lauren but I can tell it won't be simple when Stevie asks for legal permission to get married. Christie says she is a big hypocrite but still thinks the right thing is for Stevie to get to see a little of the real world before deciding to stay in this one.

Part of what is causing problems is that everything major in the family is supposed to be decided by all the adults and if one of them doesn't like something it doesn't happen. Except that the moms only get to make deciscions for their own kids and that's something that is supposed to prevent problems but in this case it is causing a problem. Christie said to me that she expects Stevie to be getting married by September whether Christie likes it or not because that just seems to be the way things are going.

I don't really have an opinion on it and have stayed out of it because I don't think I know enough to say anything. 16 is young to get married but if you know that getting married and having a family is all you want from life then I guess I don't see why to wait until you're 18. At least Stevie would be marrying a guy who has a good job and will have his own house and can take care of her and that is a lot better than a lot of girls her age who get pregnant and then stay at home with their parents and have the baby. Christie is the one who said this and sometimes she doesn't make sense like she says this and then argues that Stevie should not do this.

I went to Costco on Friday with Shari and Lauren and it was pretty amazing how much food we eat! We bought $1382 worth of food and stuff for the month and it was pretty amazing to get it all in the truck! Shari says the garden and then the beef Steve gets from our cattle helps us get by and that this is pretty good for food for nine people. And then we still go to the local store in Lincoln for somethings.

Next Sunday we get to go to church with all the families and that will be really neat. It will be my first time there as a wife and that part is pretty cool. Christie's friend Melissa is coming and Christie says she wants to hook up Melissa with this family from Colusa. Melissa already has a little girl from a boyfriend and I see what Shari said that most women who come to this are older with kids or younger with kids and that I was pretty rare because I didn't have any baggage when I came here. I don't know about the baggage just because I wasn't divorced with a kid I don't think I was perfect.

I have to go now and I'm sorry I am not writing as much. It seems like I have more and more to do all the time and then some of my usual free time is just not there anymore.

PS: Thank you again to everyone for the comments and the invites to read their blogs!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Schedule

I had a very nice weekend and a very busy last couple days. My best friend Carmen was up to visit on Saturday and we went hiking up on the land where Steve runs some of the cattle and it was a lot of fun even though the weather wasn't perfect. We had some nice weather but it only lasted for a while.

I was thinking more about the fairy tale thing and thought it would be good to post my usual schedule for Monday thru Friday and all:

M-F
Out of bed at 5am to get breakfast ready. But before I do breakfast I check on Eric and Emmy and do "Dawn Patrol". Christie says I have to see a movie to get that joke.

By 5:30am all the adults and Stevie are up and having breakfast and coffee.

6am : Steve leaves for work, Stevie is out to do chores with the animals, Shari goes to get Lauren and Hannah up for breakfast, Christie takes Eric and Emmy for reading time.

6:30 : Shari and the girsl go out to finish the chores with the animals, I get Eric and Emmy in the kitchen, and Christie goes to work in the basement. I clean up the kitchen and watch the babies.

7am : I usually start laundry or do some baking.

9:30am morning breaktime for everyone. We all gather in the kitchen and have coffee and eat whatever might get baked and we chat a lot.

10am to Noon : I usually do ironing or gardening and then around 11:40 I start lunch.

Noon to 1pm is lunch time and chat time for everyone.

1pm to 5pm is kind of open. I usually have something to do like cleaning the bathrooms or carpets or I go sweep up outside before I do prep for dinner. I usually do the prep even if I'm not cooking just so it's easier for Christie or Shari to cook when it is time.

5pm I either start dinner or I sit with the girls or the babies depending on if Shari or Christie is making dinner.

5:45ish is when Steve usually gets home and we all have to get a hug and he gets comfy for dinner. Dinner is on around 6pm and then done when it is done. The girls cleanup the kitchen so I can have some time to myself like right now.

After that it is free time and we all do what we want until bedtime at 9pm usually.

Saturdays we do breakfast around 8am and the day can have chores or fun time and then we usually do dinner again around 6pm but lunch might just be sandwiches.

Sundays are family time and breakfast is 8am and we will have church and prayer time for an hour after breakfast and then do things together. Dinner is usually nicer than other days and we might start it as early as 1pm and have it around 4pm so we can have more family time at night.

And that is my schedule!

I haven't been on here since Friday because I've had Carmen over and had to catch up a few things I was planning to do Saturday. Shari stayed with Steve even on Monday so I get to see him tonight and I really miss him. Christie is saying she should be okay to be with him again by April 1st and is really, really, REALLY looking forward to it!! She really misses him and says she can't wait to have time with him again.

Having some time away from him kind of took some of my nervousness away. I really liked being with him but have to be honest it was not so easy to just do this. One of my pen pals has written me some very detailed things that made me think a lot about all this and I got some nerves and it also made me think how much I wanted all this and how much I am starting to love Steve and everyone but especially Steve. I really liked him before and I was starting to love him but being with him changed everything and now I like just smelling him in his shirts when I clean them and I love when he kisses me at night when he comes home and I love just bumping into him in the kitchen in the mornings. In more than an hour I will get to be in bed with him and I feel like a little kid going to Disneyland I'm so excited!

I don't know what else to write right now but that all was what was on my mind!

Friday, March 20, 2009

Polygamy fairy tale

I was reading one of the comments and it said I'm writing a polygamy fairy tale and I guess I have been. I know it is a real situation and all but to me this is a whole different world from where I grew up. I know I wrote about my mom and dad not having a good marriage and my dad being away but the truth is that he is in prison for almost killing someone in a fight and he won't be eligible for parole until 2024. My mom refuses to divorce him and we used to argue about it all the time. I won't go see him because I don't miss him at all. My life was so much better after he was arrested and I don't care to visit someone I didn't like anyways.

This life IS a fairy tale to me and I know we have real problems and all but I guess I just don't see them as any big deal compared to what I used to deal with. The big problems we have in the house are everyone getting used to my cooking which is different from what Shari and Christie do and sometimes the girls don't like how I make somethings and I have to redo them. I don't mind and most of the time I like how they like things too. Christie doesn't have problems in the family but she does have problems in the church because she says what is on her mind and she will says when she thinks they are wrong on some things and she won't give in if she thinks she is right. Like Stevie wants to get married as soon as she can and Christie really wants her to go to college and get a degree so she has choices in life. I asked Christie what she thought of me and she said it was different for me because I was outside the life and chose to join it but Stevie is inside it and should know some more about the world before she gets married.

Stevie and a 22 year old guy from another family that works with Steve have a thing going and Stevie wants to get married after she turns 16 and Christie is saying Stevie needs some time outside the life before making any choices. But then in private Christie says to me that she wishes she had been married at 16 because she would have avoided a lot of mistakes she made so it is complicated and I just really stay out of it for right now. In California it is legal for someone who is 16 to get married with her parent's permission so this is okay because it would be a legal first marriage.

Shari wants another baby and was ovulating yesterday so she slept with Steve last night and will stay with him this weekend. I'm finding out that this is a big deal to her to have another baby while she still can so I said okay and I don't mind a break from being with Steve right now just so I can get some sleep. I got to sleep in this morning and Stevie made breakfast so I feel pretty good right now.

I guess I don't write about all the work that goes on because it would just be the same thing all the time. It isn't a problem but unless I say it happens I guess it seems like this is some fairytale. A lot of work happens here everyday and part of how Shari and Christie and me get along is by working together and helping each other. I'm not used to so much work all the time and it took me a while to know what all to do and to get good at somethings like putting molasses on the cattle feed in the right amount and how to drive the tractor real slow and all sorts of other things that I never had to do at home with my mom. Christie really likes me because when I take care of Eric and Emmy she can do her work or go run. And Christie wearing running tops and shorts is not something the church approves of and Christie doesn't care and just says she will do what she wants about exercise. Christie does a LOT of exercise and you can't tell she had a baby almost a month ago. She said to me 'Look at me and tell me the church is right?' and the church is wrong. She says she wants to keep in good health for herself and her kids and she wants to be beautiful for Steve so how is what she is doing wrong? She keeps trying to get me to exercise with her and I might start running with her now that the weather is better.

I don't mean to make this seem so magical but it is really special for me and I know I go on and on but this is a fairy tale for me. Shari said I needed to be sure that when I came her I was running to something and not running from something and it really is both. I was so miserable before I came here that all the big problems here seem small to me and a lot of it I don't even notice. That's why I don't write so much about problems because they are not that big a deal to me.

With Shari and Christie and me we get along pretty good because this is not an arranged family like the FLDS Mormon people do. The women in those families have no choice about who gets to be in their family so they have a lot of problems. Shari and Christie both had to say yes to me so if they didn't like me I would not be here.

I didn't write anything the last two days because I had a lot of work of my own to catch up on and then Wednesday after dinner Steve wanted some private time with me. Having him miss me when he was at work almost made me cry! It's nice to have someone so special love me like he does. It's a lot easier to be with him and he likes that I am so comfortable with him now. I trust him a lot and I love to be with him so when he made eyes at me after dinner it was easy to just go with him and let him do what he wanted to do. Christie was funny when we came downstairs and asked if we had a good conversation and Steve said 'Very good!'

It is still a little embarrassing to have everyone including the girls know what we're doing but I think I'm the only one embarrassed anymore. The girls make some jokes but just accept it and Shari is sweet and asks how I'm doing and is like a mom worrying about me. Christie told me a few things that Steve likes and it was weird to get advice on being a good lover from someone who is also Steve's lover but it was good advice. And one thing I discovered is weird is imagining what Steve is like with Shari and Christie but especially Shari. Christie is really sexual so thinking about her having sex is not too hard but Shari is so sweet and like a mom to me that it is hard to think that she was with Steve last night the same way I was with him the night before.

The best part of being married now is it is so easy to be near Steve now. Before it was kind of scary and thrilling and now it feels comfortable and natural like we been this way all along.

That is enough for today! It is really nice outside and I want to go be in the garden and have some sun.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Questions

Wow! Lots of questions today so I will try to answer them.

Some people believe that sex is only for making babies. Does your family believe that or is sex also for pleasure? I know you want to have a baby now, but down the road can you use birth control or do you just abstain when you don't want to get pregnant?

Both. Pastor Jeff explained that sex is a gift from God and that like any gift it's supposed to be enjoyed but not abused and the best way to prevent it from being abused is to keep it the way it was designed. Anytime I don't want to do anything I don't have to but if I do want to do something then maybe having a baby will be part of it. At the same time in just a few nights I've found out how wonderful it can be to be with Steve and last night I finally had my first climax with him. And I'm not offended by very much so say anything you want I can handle it.

I suspect you all don't use birth control?

No, never. Shari is following her ovulation right now because she wants to have another baby but we're not supposed to do that to avoid a baby. Just don't do it if you don't want to but don't just have sex just to have sex because it is suppose to cheapen the bond in the family. I'm still learning all this so maybe later I can have a better answer for you about this.

Now a little bit of advice: You seem shy about some things so to just put it out there you already made your blog an adult blog so as a reader I'm aware you'll have adult content in it as I click in. Got it? Then don't be shy about using polite terms for the things you seem to want to talk about like penis, vagina, climax, breasts, semen, sperm, and etc. I'd be disappointed if you wrote like a pornstar because the way you write is so blessedly honest and natural already. Yet you should be able to move on and use the honest terms here.

I will try. I can't tell you how hard it was to write 'orgasm' in the first part of this but I did. I won't make promises on the rest but I will try. I sound like a little kid I guess but it's just embarrassing to write all these things.

It sounds like your sexual experiences so far are just man-on-top or are you trying anything else?

There have been other things and maybe I will write about it someday but not now.

Does your religion allow you to be more sexually adventurous as in having oral sex or etc.?

I think I answered this up above here already. Oral sex is not allowed because it is an abuse of sex.

I'm also curious is Shari still trying to have more kids?

Yes.

And I saw Christie just had a baby but will she be trying to have more kids, too? If so, when?

I asked her this after Emmy was born and she said she thinks she's good for three or four more and will be open to it again after she heels from having Emmy.

And how do you feel talking with your sisterwives about your sexual experiences with Steve and what do you talk about?

Shari and Christie are pretty good talking to me about Steve but it's like Shari has all the wisdom and Christie tells me what to expect in bed. Shari knows Steve the best and knows what he likes and does not like about people and that was a LOT of help when I first came here because there were things about me that needed to change FAST so I would fit in. I made those changes and everyone was really happy with me and after I had Shari telling me good advice Steve started to be interested. Christie told me a lot of advice about sex and what to expect and that it was okay to tell Steve things I wanted because he was really nice about those things. It was good advice and I think my first time with Steve and then the last two nights went so well because of some of what she told me.

I am happy that Shari and Steve and Pastor Jeff have asked if you are sure about this, and have been so understanding. I think this is needed and it is very important. It's great that they respect the sanctity of marriage, and that religion is a big part of their life.

Everyone has been really caring about me all along. Even on Saturday night Steve asked me just before we started our first time if I was really sure and he said it was okay if I wanted to wait and that I didn't have to do anything just because it was our wedding night. Christ and God are a BIG part of things for our family and for the church because this all started in a way because no one believed in God and then everything got screwed up. God isn't about rules but about love and if we pay attention we can have a lot of joy and avoid the pain that breaks up most marriages and families anymore. Christie said that she had to learn that God never gave anyone any rules, he gave them warnings but it's not like God punishes you for what you do wrong you punish yourself. She said she used to have a very sinful life and she was suffering for it and she learned that God warns us about sin but lets us do it if we have to figure it out but that we can always come back and be forgiven. I'm still learning these things but it all sounds pretty true to me.

I am surprised about the generosity of Shari, to bring you guys breakfast in bed. You should hug her closely for that. I know how hard this is. Maybe you don't even realize. But she did an amazing thing there for you.

Shari does lots of amazing things for me and I always hug her and love her for them! On Saturday she told me that part of me marrying Steve was Shari and Christie giving him to me to share with them and I totally got it.

That is all for now but I don't mind questions if anyone has any. They make me think of things I don't think of on my own so you're helping me in a way. Thank you!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Rainy Monday

It's a little rainy here today. I know we need the rain but it would be nice to have some sunny days, too.


Steve was off to work early this morning and it was back to the normal routine getting breakfast on and all. It's weird not doing the honeymoon and just starting a normal life but this is the way it is done. One thing that was really nice was when Steve left I got a kiss goodbye and not just a hug like I used to.


I have Eric and Emmy for the day so Christie can do her work and the girls are going to do dinner tonight so I have some time to myself.


Shari sat with me after breakfast and we talked and she was interested in how I was doing. She was pretty open talking about sex and said I can expect Steve to give me a lot of attention in that way for a while. She said it was pretty normal that we would be like newlyweds for a while because we are newlyweds. She was a little late telling me a few things to expect from Steve and it was really sweet that she knows him so well. I haven't said it to her yet but it makes me feel closer to her because of what we share with Steve.


I wasn't so sure about writing about the bedroom stuff but Shari said to feel free and go ahead because it is a big part of my life right now. Okay then.


The sex has been a big thing for me because I had it the one time and it was over before I really even knew it was happening. I guess I always thought it didn't really count. The last two years I wondered what it would really be like and then a few months ago I started to really, really want everything that went with it and all. I've written about it all before and I don't want to be saying the same things again but it all really was important to me. I told some of this to Christie one night and she said to me "Girl you just need to get it over with." and I think she was right about that.

All of the things I was imagining about it and dreaming about it and fearing about it went away once it was done. Christie had said it was great once the first time was done because then she was free to just do it and she said it was liberating to be able to do it and not worry about getting pregnant or using birth control and she was right. I was really nervous with Steve on Saturday night and he was wonderful about it all. I didn't want a light on and he was okay about it and when I asked him to be slow he was. Actually being with him was so much different and better than I thought it would be. I guess I expected it would be painful and then just done and it was warm and close and loving and the most personal thing I have ever done. I really love Steve but had kept my distance in some ways and then all of a sudden I'm closer to him than with anyone else in the world. I'm just sorry he isn''t the only person to ever see me naked.

Steve made it wonderful the whole time and told me how beautiful I was and how much he loved me and he was so tender and gentle. When I asked him if he was about to (-: he said he was and he kissed me and held me tight and I could feel it happen and then everything was different after that. I didn't care if he saw me and I didn't jump a little when he touched me because it just felt so comfortable after the first time was done. Shari said I looked so peaceful on Sunday morning and I guess I feel pretty peaceful now. All the worrying I was doing is settled and over and I can just be me now. It was very special on Sunday wondering if I was a mom yet. I know it doesn't always happen so fast but it is so cool to think for the first time about the maybe. It is really awesome to think that sometime this year I will start being a mom. Dreams are so wonderful but when the dream is real it is a lot more beautiful.

I know I say a lot about being a mom maybe, but being a wife is pretty wonderful! Having all of Steve's attention is the most incredible thing in the world and feeling him loving me and wanting me and wanting a baby with me is the most powerful feeling I can imagine. Just calling it 'love' doesn't seem to be enough. I loved him before this but now it's like all these things got wrapped up in one.

Sorry to have to stop here but it is getting late and time to go.

BTW my new picture was taken by Christie on Saturday and she did all the stuff with the computer to it. She took it after the wedding when I was changing and she said I just looked so perfect.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

The Wedding

The Wedding went really well! We ended up with 73 people here!

I wore Christie's dress and I looked like a princess! Steve wore his tux with a white dinner jacket and Pastor Jeff wore his robes. We didn't do bridesmaids or bestmen and we also won't have a formal honeymoon because the church says those are pagan traditions and not Christian traditions. We still had a nice wedding cake and the reception was a lot of fun too. There was soooo much BBQ we will be eating it for the rest of the week. I got to have champagne along with everyone else and we had this big party until about 6pm when people started leaving. Shari and Christie and the girls did all the cleanup with some help from some of the women who came to the wedding and they told me it was all done and put away in about an hour.

I can't believe some of the presents! I have six new dresses, shoes, and there was a lot of money which will go to my savings. My favorite present is a handmade quilt with chickens on it! I don't know if I ever mentioned that I love chickens but one of the church ladies found out and made me the quilt. Christie bought me a penoir which is a nightie and robe set and it is pretty sexy!

After the wedding I changed into my blue dress and wore that the rest of the day and got to meet everyone and talk. One of the men told me that I was a 'rare commodity' and that Steve was very lucky to have me. He said that not a lot of women join the community and that when they do they are usually older like Christie and sometimes divorced with children. I got the impression he was a little jealous of Steve and I kind of liked that.

Before I forget, thank you to the people who wished me well on my last post and in email!

I had one of the ladies suggesting names for children and that was just amazing to be discussing names for children I might have! Wow! It was a little embarassing because for me to have children I'd have to be doing it with Steve and it was strange to just be talking like that.

Everyone was gone by 8pm and it was just family and then at 9pm Shari took Eric and went to bed, Christie took Emmy and went to bed, then the girls went to bed and then it was just Steve and me in the living room talking and a little before 10pm he asked me if I was ready to go to bed. He took me by the hand and we went to his room and he was very kind and patient and gentle. We didn't sleep a lot and this morning Shari brought us breakfast in bed as a wedding treat and we didn't leave Steve's room until almost lunchtime.

It was pretty amazing and wonderful to be with Steve and it was like Christie said that it was like jumping out of an airplane. Wanting to be a wife and a mom is a lot different from actually being a wife and maybe a mom and I had a lot of thoughts about it but then it got to where there was no going back and then it got to where I didn't want to go back. The best part of all was the time after when Steve just held me and kissed me and it was all quiet with the excitement all over. It was like you just go ahhhhhhh and relax.

After getting up Christie told me that the girls might say some things to try to embarrass me and both Stevie and Lauren asked me questions that were kind of shocking to hear from them and I just answered and acted like it was no big deal just to shock them right back. Christie said it was hard to get used to the girls knowing she was with their father and it really is the same for me even if I make a joke out of it when the girls try to embarrass me. At lunch I sat there and everyone was so nice and sweet and all I could think was that they were all looking at me wondering about me having sex. It's hard not to be embarrassed even when it's okay to do what we're doing. Other than Hannah everyone at the table knew exactly what was going on. Christie says you get used to it so I will try not to let it bother me.

Right now Steve had to go get four of the cows to a butcher in Fairfield so he won't be back until maybe 7 or 8. I don't mind having a little time to think but I am looking forward to him coming home and I think it might be nicer tonight than last night. Things were a little sore last night just because it was only my second time ever but it's supposed to be more comfortable after this so tonight will be nice.

It is weird to think I'm a wife and I could even be starting to be a mom right now. It was just two months ago this all really started and here I am. It all moved really, really fast and maybe it should have been slower but like Pastor Jeff said, would it make any difference? And it doesn't. This is what I wanted when I started looking a few months ago and then it is what I wanted when I was invited to join the family. Now I get to look forward to being a mom someday and really being a part of the family.

Okay, I have to go do thank you notes and get them in the mail for tomorrow.

I'll try to write soon!

Friday, March 13, 2009

Getting Nervous! O-:

Yeah, I'm getting nervous! Christie says I'm going to wear out the stairs if I don't stop running up and down them with stuff. It's 6:11pm right now and everything is done. Steve has a guy doing BBQ for after the wedding tomorrow so there's no food to have to do. We even have a wedding cake that will be here in the morning. The wedding is at 1pm tomorrow and it won't be some long thing like some people do. Christie says it will be about fifteen minutes because Pastor Jeff doesn't put on a show he just says what needs to be said.

My mom is coming and so are eleven of my friends so it won't be like I'm all alone. I don't know if I ever mentioned but I don't have any sisters or brothers but I do have some cousins and none of them are going to be here mostly because they all live in LA and it is a little far for them.

Shari is sleeping in my room with Eric tomorrow night and I will be with Steve. Wowowowowow!!!

That is so weird to write that down! I'm really looking forward to it but at the same time it's kind of like Christie said that it's like jumping out of an airplane. You really do a lot to get yourself to do something that is so thrilling and so scary at the same time. One of my pen-pals wrote somethings that made me think an awful lot about what all could happen and it is very real that sometime tomorrow night I might start being a mom. I guess I know this but seeing it written makes it a lot more serious I guess. It is really serious but it's all still something I really, really want to do.

Christie read my post about Steve and had to show me a movie called Gettysburg and then told me that Steve could best be described as Sam Elliot with red hair. I agree with that! Steve really does look a little like Sam Elliot but the real thing is he acts like him! He doesn't get upset about much at all and just always seems to be in control but you can tell that he isn't someone to mess with. And he talks quietly but with a rumble in his voice that is soooooooooooooooo sexy!!! Hahaha!!!

I can tell I'm just going to write stupid things so I'm going to stop there.

I also timed this. It is now 6:37 so the little bit I wrote here took me 26 minutes. Like I said this takes me a long time to write things and then check what I wrote. Most of the time I do okay doing it that way.

Okay, that is all for tonight so I will go! Please wish me luck or pray for me tomorrow!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

About Steve

I had a comment today and I guess I haven't said so much about Steve.

Wow, so much for taking things slowly! Can you tell us a little more about Steve. I know you have to keep his privacy, but in general terms what does he look like (body type, lots of hair, handome, etc)? How does he treat his other wives and children? Is Steve the head of the house who makes all the decisions or are the decisions made together with the wives?As a side note, I am glad for you that your mom is coming. Congratulations!CM

Thanks! I'm glad my mom is coming, too!

I know things are moving pretty fast but after talking with Pastor Jeff I guess I just decided that these were things that I wanted to have happen anyway so why wait? I don't mean like to just get it over with but here I am living here and knowing I want to stay and knowing I want to be with Steve and I'm waiting for what? I asked Shari if she felt closer to Christie when Christie had Eric and she said yes. She was sweet and said she wasn't saying anything to rush me but that when Christie came to be with them that they didn't think she was going to stay because her life was so amazing and then when she got pregnant it wasn't a question anymore. She said she's not so worried about me because she said I'm more like Steve and Shari than Christie was when she came here. Shari said she can just see that I want to be here and I want to be a mom and she thinks I'll be really happy here.

Steve is a real easy guy to be around. He doesn't get angry but he does get real intense sometimes so it's not like he isn't a real man but he just seems to always be in control. Nothing upsets him. Like when we had all the rain one of the cows got stuck in a creek and he was really gentle with the cow and talked to her like a pet to calm her down and then winched her out. He never yelled or anything he just did the job.

He runs his own business and has made enough money that we're okay with money in this economy. He had to lay off a lot of people because a lot of projects got cancelled but then he says he just had to work harder to get more work to keep things going.

I can't put his picture on here but he is really tall and Shari says he is 6'6" and 240 pounds. I guess because he is so tall he doesn't look that heavy. He looks pretty good and has a really flat stomach better than most of the guys I went to school with. He's 44 years old the same as Shari but he looks a lot younger and Shari says that's because he always wears a hat outside to keep the sun off. His hair is not real red but more auburn and he has some white hair in a few places. He always wears long sleeve shirts and I don't know if that is about the sun or if he just likes them. He is hard to explain about somethings. He wears a cowboy hat a lot and wears western clothes a lot for work and around here but he doesn't like too much country music. He likes old heavy metal music and Rascal Flatts and classical music and now he says he is liking some of my music like Plain White T's and James Blunt. He does not like rap music and that's okay because I don't like it either.

I found out that he was a Marine when he was younger and he got injured in Beirut and they let him go after that. He got a ruptured left ear drum and they had to do surgery to get it fixed but he was deaf in that ear for a long time and then Shari said around 1995 his hearing in that ear just came back and now he can hear just fine. I was told not to ask him about the Marines and to let him tell me about when he is ready because it is the one thing he can get really upset about sometimes. He does push ups and sit ups every morning when he gets up and the Marine thing explained where that came from.

He is a really wonderful daddy to his kids and the girls all love him a lot. I don't want this to sound creepy because it isn't but he is more of a dad to me than my own dad ever was so I can understand why the girls love him so much. He says no to a lot of things they ask for but it isn't about money because like when Lauren wanted a new violin for Christmas he bought her one that cost almost $10,000!!! Lauren told me about it and said Steve said that she would have it for a lifetime so he wanted her to have one that was worth keeping for a lifetime. But then the girls wanted a PSP and he said that was a waste of money and that if they wanted to sit around they could read or do their lessons.

Steve is the head of the house and he makes a lot of decisions but it's not like he does it alone. Shari and Christie make a lot of decisions all on their own like Christie buying her new car after her old one got wrecked. Steve says she should have got a truck or a suburban and she got another Volvo instead because she says she wants something that doesn't say "farm" on it. The decision to invite me to live here was between Steve and Shari and Christie and then they even asked the girls what they thought of the idea so everyone had a say in it. It wasn't just Steve wanting me here. Shari said if she or Christie had said no that would have been final and there would not be an argument. She also said there will be no #4 here and that she wasn't so sure she wanted a #3 but she really liked me on my own and that it was more about me being here than having a third wife here. I like that!

Steve is really smart but doesn't make me feel like I'm stupid because of my dyslexia. I don't like to read because it takes me a long time to read things right and then I have a hard time spelling and I really have to think about it when I write. This blog takes me a lot of time to write sometimes.

I don't know how to explain what it is about him that really attracts me to him. I guess it isn't anyone thing but all of the things about him. He is handsome but he isn't Brad Pitt or anything. I like when he is romantic because he holds me and kisses me but doesn't get all grabby with me. He really listens to me when I'm talking to him and he has got to be the best listening guy I have ever met. It's like he takes notes when you talk to him and he will mention something I said to him a couple days later and start our conversation over again. If there were one thing that really makes me love him it would be that he makes me feel like I matter to him and that I am really important to him. When he listens to me he looks right at me the whole time as if everything I said was the most important thing anyone had ever said to him. No one ever took me seriously before like that.

He also has this thing about him that you just know when he is in a room. I don't know how to explain that but like in the morning he comes down for breakfast and it doesn't matter how quiet he is you just know when he comes into the kitchen. Christie says she thinks it's really sexy and says she knows what I mean.

I know it sounds weird to just get to meet someone and then decide to be with them and it wasn't love at first sight or like you see in a movie. But now I think about leaving and that makes me so sad and then I think that I would miss seeing Steve and then I think about it and I know I love him. There's still this part of me that is worried about what I'm doing and wanting to hold back and wait but then the rest of me just wants to be as close to Steve and as much a part of this family as I can be. I'm really wanting it to be Saturday soon.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Late on Tuesday


Eric is not feeling well so I'm up and figured I'd take the time to write. I have a lot of email to get to and will try to get to it tomorrow.


Christie and I had a long discussion on Monday night about a lot of things and I have to say she has been very nice to me and very supportive to me. The first thing she got into is that after the wedding I'll be seeing the lawyer to become part of the family in the legal sense. I'll have the same share in the family that everyone else has and that's supposed to make sure I'm protected. I don't think it will be needed but Christie said that they do it this way to help make sure it is never needed. I argued a little and she just says "Shut up and roll with it!" and she is right. It's not my place to refuse this.


I went to the doctor today to get a check up and Christie let me drive her car to go to the appointment. It's really nice to be trusted not to be a jerk behind the wheel of someone's nice car. The point of the check up was pretty obvious to make sure I don't have any STD's or stuff like that and I don't. I'm in perfect health the doctor said. Yay!


Saturday is coming up REALLY fast!!! My mom now says she might come and that would be really nice. A few of my friends are coming and then a few of the people from church are coming so it looks like about 60 people will be there now. Wow. Shari finished the dress and I tried it yesterday and it was really pretty. Steve will be wearing a tuxedo so it will be very traditional.


Part of what Christie and I talked about Monday night was what to expect with Steve. She told me that the wedding is mostly to resolve my place in the family and not about any pressure to be with Steve and that just because there is a wedding doesn't mean there has to be a wedding night. I asked her about her first time with Steve and she said it was on her wedding night and that she was really ambivalent (my new word, LOL) about things just because there is so much committment happening all at once. She said it is a lot to think about and that 'sealing the deal' was the hardest part because it could not be undone. She said it was all sort of unreal to her up to that point and then she said it got very real.


Christie married Steve when she was 26 and she was pretty honest with me that he was not her first lover. She didn't say how many but she said that the difference with Steve was she knew Steve wasn't with her just to have sex but to make a baby even their first time. She said it makes the whole experience a lot more different than sex just for fun. That does make me kind of nervous knowing that I might be pregnant in a few months. It's also pretty amazing to think that I might be pregnant in a few months!


Christie said that the first time was the hardest for her because there were so many emotions involved but then after that was done she said it was a lot easier to enjoy being with Steve. She didn't get pregnant right away and she said after a period she would be a little nervous thinking that this might be the time but then she said Steve is so gentle and caring that she found herself just loving him and thinking about a baby less and less and then she got pregnant.


I guess out of all that I feel a little better that it's okay to be nervous but I'm also thinking that I might want to go ahead and let Saturday night be more than just another Saturday night.


O-:


I guess I should mention too that part of why I can't sleep isn't just Eric. Steve came home earlier and I was alone in the kitchen making dinner and he stopped me and kissed me. Someone said something to me about curling my toes last week and Steve curled my toes! He is an AmAzInG kisser!!! I know I have all these worries but I'm also wanting to find out what else he's good at.


Time to write something else!


I took a picture last week when it started to clear up and it was pretty good. It's the picture at the top of this post. Christie let me use her camera and she has a really good camera but it is a little complicated to figure out at first. She says I can practice with it so I might do more pictures when there is something worth taking pictures of.
Eric is crying again so I have to go. Good night!


Saturday, March 7, 2009

Exciting & Boring

Hello! This week was busy and it started off exciting but it settled down to boring and busy pretty quick. I decided that boring is good!

Christie is pretty awesome! She gave birth almost two weeks ago and yesterday she went out and ran four miles and then did a bunch of work outs. She wants to get rid of some of her baby gut she says and she really looks pretty good already. I didn't run with her but I rode the bike and it was fun being out and going by the lake with her early in the morning. I haven't done much exercise since high school last year so this was a big workout for me and now I'm going to be Christie's workout partner. I plan on sleeping really good every night!

My mom and dad have both said they won't be coming to my handfasting-wedding next week and mom says she's really disappointed and can't bless what I'm doing but that she will be there for me if I need her. Some of my friends are coming and we're just going to do it kind of simple. Christie is letting me have her dress for the wedding and Shari took it in for me and then we'll put on some food for everyone and just make the best of it. Pastor Jeff will be here and some of the people from our church will be here, too. It would be nice if my mom would come and I hope she will change her mind.

Steve took me to the jeweler on Friday and they're making something nice out of the ring he gave me. I didn't know you did that with rings but I guess that's how it's done is to give someone a plain ring and then go back and make it custom for them. I got to choose how I wanted it and I chose to put the diamond in the middle with small sapphires all around it. The jeweler said it was a reverse Princess Di which is supposed to be a big sapphire with small diamonds around it. The jeweler is also adding a third diamond to Steve's wedding ring and that just about made me cry. I don't know how to explain it but it made me feel so happy when Steve said he was doing that.

After the jeweler we went to lunch and got to talk a lot and on the way home Steve held my hand again and we kissed a little bit in the truck when we got home. He is so polite and careful about me and it's funny to see him nervous about kissing me. I'm nervous kissing him, too but he's just this 100% man and to see him get all soft and tender is really cool. He's also really amazing when he's holding Emmy or Eric and it's easy to see how much he loves them. I wish my own dad had been like that when I was growing up but he was always more interested in watching football or going out with his friends than being around me. I've wondered if I had been a boy would he been different with me?

One of my pen-pals said that with Steve I was getting a husband and the father I always wanted wrapped up in one package and I think that is kind of right. Steve asked me something like this and I said it really didn't matter what was attracting me to him because I was happy. I asked him how he felt about me and he said he loved me and that I was just really easy to love for who I am and then he said I was also 'easy on the eye' and that he felt pretty lucky that I wanted to be with him because he thinks a lot of guys would want me, too. I told him that a lot of guys probably do want me but he's the one who is making me happy. I'm sorry my mom won't be coming to the wedding but I am not at all sorry that I will be married to Steve next week.

Well, I have some email to get to and will try to get on here later and write some more. Maybe.

I read the two comments on my last post and here's my answers to them:

1. I understand the thing about getting married kind of soon and some of this is more coming from me than from Steve or Pastor Jeff. I made up my mind that I don't want to leave here because this is the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. That's the big thing. Pastor Jeff talking to me helped me to realize that if I already made up my mind to stay then committing should be easy or else I haven't made up my mind. It was actually pretty easy to commit when Steve asked me to because I want it myself.

2. Getting pregnant is nothing I have to be pressured into! I guess this is the reason I called this an adult blog when I started it was because I knew at some point I'd want to write about my feelings to want to be a mom and my feelings about wanting to be with a man.

I didn't write about it here before, but after Emmy was born Christie let me sit with her one night and watch her breastfeed Emmy. It was so beautiful I wanted to cry and I kind of did. Then Christie asked me if I wanted to hold Emmy and of course I said YES!!! but then Christie says to me that a newborn baby has the softest skin they will ever have and it's a blessing to feel it the right way. So Christie had me pull down my night gown and I held Emmy against me that way and she cuddled up to me. She didn't try to suckle because she was already full but just holding her like that was better than the best feeling I've ever had in my life. I really am looking forward to having a baby of my own and having those moments all the time. So no one needs to force me to get pregnant because I can't wait.

Okay, then there's the thing about getting pregnant. The one and only time I had sex it wasn't all that great but afterward I was afraid of being pregnant and then I ended up disappointed because I wasn't pregnant. I am looking forward to the day I get a + on my pregnancy test!

And the real adults-only part is that I am so stinking horny to be with a man who loves me and is committed to me! I've known so many little boys in big bodies and it would be easy to just have sex with them because that's what they want: easy sex with no committment.

I want a baby but I want a baby after making love to a wonderful man who won't be all disappointed if I get pregnant and ask me to have an abortion or just use me. Condoms and pills just make sex toys out of people and they rob us of one of the best parts of sex and that's the chance you might be making a baby! Real intimacy means you open your souls to each other and you seal the deal when you say you want to make a family together and you want to do it on purpose and not just accidentally because a pill failed or a condom broke.

I am really looking forward to being with Steve and knowing that when he's inside me we might be making a baby together.

And I really, really, really am looking forward to having sex! I can't wait to be naked with Steve and have him be passionate about me and feel him as he loves me.

Trust me, no one is forcing me to do anything. When I'm kissing Steve it's all I can do to stop myself from raping him half the time. Yeah, I know it's teenage hormones like everyone says but do you all mind if I enjoy those hormones because I won't be 18 forever?

Now I need a cold shower! LOL! :-P

Getting dinner going will have to work for now.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

A Memorable Week!

It's Tuesday and I have a LOT to catch up on!

I'm going to start with the weather. It has been really rainy in Northern California and Steve even stayed home today because the road out of here was not looking good last night and sure enough there was a mudslide on it and a creek was overflowing one of the bridges. It was nice to have him home all day (-:

We had to tranqulize one of the horses because the hail freaked her out. It was pretty scary and all I did was watch! Steve held the horse and Stevie gave her the shot and it took ten minutes and then the horse was fine. It's not one of our horses but a horse that is boarded here for some people from Roseville. Our horses did fine and the cattle didn't seem to care about the weather at all. I guess I expected cattle would want to be in a barn when there is bad weather but they don't care. It's kind of nice to be learning all this stuff.

Okay, so Sunday was really exciting! We must have had 50 people here and everyone started showing up around 10:30 and we did the service out in the garage. We had the cars outside for the service to make room. The "love bomb" went off on me again after service and I don't think there was anyone I didn't meet. Everyone was really nice to me and Steve later told me that a couple of the men congratulated him on 'catching' me. Steve said he was a little offended that I was compared to a bass but he said guys can be like that and it is meant well. It didn't bother me at all. The women were all really sweet to me and they were really excited to see someone new joining their group. I did meet some of the daughters who are my age and most of them are going to school but are looking to get married when they can. One of the daughters who is 24 is married to the son of one of the families and is the first and only wife for him. He is in the Army and is in Afghanistan and she can't wait for him to come home. She has two boys and says she would love to have a sister-wife just to have company in the house but they have to wait until her husband leaves the Army because they can't afford another person in the house on their income.

The service was pretty normal and we sang hymns and had prayer time and Steve & Shari gave thanks for me coming to join them and that was sort of embarassing on top of all the other stuff. But it was still nice. Pastor Jeff gave a sermon on Jesus at the temple going after the money changers and he compared it to today with the economy and it seemed like a good message to save your money and don't get tangled up in credit cards and debt.

After the service people just hung around for an hour or so and had coffee and cookies and sandwiches and then they all seemed to leave about the same time. It was a lot of fun and next month we get together at a home up near Chico where one family has a rice farm.

Pastor Jeff stayed to talk to me after everyone else left and we sat in the library so we could be alone. He was a lot younger than I expected for a Pastor and I would guess he is maybe 30. He has two wives and didn't grow up in the church but joined it when he worked for the family that has the rice farm. He went to seminary to become a Baptist Pastor and said the Lord drew him back to this life after he graduated from seminary. His wife is from Oklahoma and she is very nice and he says that she didn't want to do this but that it grew on her and she got to be close friends with the daughter of one of the families and one day the daughter told her she wanted to be with her and Jeff and she said okay and let things happen.

Pastor Jeff asked me some serious questions like was I sure about what I was doing and did I understand that I was making choices that could not be undone? I told him this was something I had wanted for a long time but didn't realize that it was THIS that I wanted until I found it. He said he understood that. I told him about feeling the same way Christie did and she had told me that a John Denver song really captured the way she felt.

He was born in the summer of his 27th year
Comin home to a place he'd never been before
He left yesterday behind him, you might say he was born again
You might say he found a key for every door

And that's how I feel too. I was really sad to find out John Denver was dead because he understood life so well.

Pastor Jeff then got into talking about me being a single woman and how if I was going to stay in the house there had to be some resolution of who I was to the family. He asked if Steve and I were getting romantic and I had to say yes because we've kissed a few times and he said that was good but that it could be a problem if the relationship isn't 'defined'. He asked me if I wanted to leave and I said no. Then he asked me if I wanted to stay and I said yes. Then he asked me if I loved Steve and I said I was starting to. Then he got up and left and had Christie come in and tell me about how she started in the family and how she got married to Steve after a few weeks of living here and then letting things happen from there. We had some serious talk about what it meant to join the family and marry Steve and then Christie stepped out.

Steve came in and had me come out to the living room and everyone was sitting around looking and I was all like "What?" and they all smiled like there was a joke I didn't know. Then Steve took my hand and put a ring on it and asked me to marry him. I knew this was supposed to happen at some point but it still surprised me when it did and it blew me away! I just laughed a little and asked if this was for real and Steve said it was and I said yes! It was all hugs and tears after that and Pastor Jeff got me and Steve away for a minute and said he would be marrying us on March 14th. That's less than two weeks! WOW! O-:

Pastor Jeff saw I was tweaking and had me go back to the library with him and he said that we would be married so it would resolve who I was in the family and prevent any problems but that what was between me and Steve would still have to go at my pace. He said that my wedding day and my wedding night don't have to be on the same day if I don't want them to be.

Stopping for dinner was really great because it gave me time to think and get a grip and to trip out on the ring on my finger. It's a real diamond and it's really big! Wow.

After dinner Shari did the chores with the girls and Christie and I went off to go talk. Christie told me that things went the same for her and that I didn't have to get married but that since this was where things were going anyway the church wants to be sure there's a committment before anything serious happens with me and Steve. Having Christie to talk to calmed me down a lot and I guess it all does make sense. I had already made up my mind that I wasn't leaving and being a permanent house guest doesn't make any sense. Christie offered to let me wear her wedding dress and I tried it on on Monday morning and it fit pretty good but Shari will be taking it in up top because I'm not as busty as Christie is.

Where this all is now is my mom and a few of my friends will be here on the 14th for the wedding and I will be getting married that day. Pastor Jeff made sure to tell me that legally we call it a handfasting and not a wedding so we can help avoid legal problems. He said that within the church I am Steve's wife but that the legal thing will have to wait a while. He said the courts in Canada might be making poly legal there this year and if that happens he thinks the USA will do the same thing too. He says they can't say it's okay for gays to marry and not say the same for poly families.

So I'm just all wow right now. Things are really busy here with the weather so I may not write much here this week but I will try to check in.