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Saturday, May 28, 2011

Why poly?

I was on IM with a friend last night and we were discussing why I did poly and my feelings with my father dying and all. I've always said that part of the thing for me was having other women around but last night it came out of me that the big reason poly appeals to me over a traditional relationship of husband & wife is because I am afraid to be alone with a man.

Steve is wonderful and I love him for himself and two years into this I could live alone with him and the babies if I had to. But I don't think I'd want to. Maybe that's part of why the jealousy thing is not that big a deal for me?

Having Christie and Macy (and Shari) to lean on and have as friends and family in the house has been very important to me. Without Christie to talk to I may have left early on and not because of anything Steve did, but just because of lingering fears in me.

My friend on IM says this was the best decision I could have made for myself and I questioned that quite a bit. But as I think about it, this was the best thing for me. I needed a situation that allowed me to be happy as a mom and to feel love and that allowed me to grow into being a wife with a healthier feeling about affection.

Is it for everyone? Of course not. But it is for me.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Update and answers to Questions

Sorry it took me so long to do this. Things have been busy, I'm not so happy sitting in this chair for too long, and I hate to say but the internet has not been so important to me lately. Kind of funny that real life is getting in the way of my computer time! Most people complain it is the other way around!

I saw the OB today and she says I am due any time now. She says another couple weeks might be good but that the baby seems fine and he's a good size even if he comes right now. The first time I did this I was so happy to have it over with but this time it's been so easy and comfortable that I've been enjoying it and I am going to miss being pregnant when the time comes. I know my little boy will be wonderful but there's this amazing thing about always having someone right with you all the time. Like that is news to some of you, I know, but it is new to me.

Carlee is trying for another baby again and I am hoping she has an easy time.

We're having some serious drama with Lauren and I am asking for prayer in that situation.

Stevie and Tab are doing good. Tab is working with Steve a lot and there is more work coming for the summer so things look pretty good that way.

Christie and Macy and their kids are doing good. So far neither of them is expecting yet but give it time and we know things will work out.

Patty and Laura are my blessings! Patty is starting to walk around on her own from like one wall to another and we're trying to get Laura to stand up on her own. She can stand a little but only if you're holding on to her.

I owe you all some answers so here we go:

Charmed asked if Tab's name was short for anything and it is just his nickname.

She also asked how Shari was doing and I think she is okay from what I hear. She moved to a new apartment in Seattle in a place called Capital Hill and it sounds nice.

M.Lynn asked some things: What are some differences (good or bad or just different) that you see between the last church community you were in CA and where you are now? Are both church fellowships connected to each other or completely independent and different styles, doctrine, etc?

So my old church got together once a month and it was like a picnic and all day long and it was like a family reunion each time. The new church meets every Sunday and it is nice but I kind of miss having church less but then having it more intense when we did do it. Things are less strict here and that is part because no one really watches us all that much. You get left alone here. So like we dress modest when we're out but it's okay to wear jeans and all or even shorts in the summer just not Daisy Dukes or lowriders is all.

Are you in touch at all with your mom since moving out of state? How do you feel that relationship has changed as you have settled into the family?

I talk to my mom on the phone enough. She has a boyfriend and he sounds nice and is nice to me when I call so I'm happy for her. With my dad gone I'm hoping she can start over and have some happiness. My relationship with her changed when I moved in with my family and for a while it got worse and then I got pregnant and I think she accepted things more at that point when she saw that I was serious about my family and my family was serious about me. I look back and I can see how important getting pregnant can be to making you part of a family. It's like instant roots.

What are things your family does for fun?

Horse riding and riding ATV's is a lot of fun and we also go to Yellowstone and Salt Lake City sometimes but then it is just Sundays when all of us go somewhere together. It just gets too much attention to go out like that. I do quilts and I did a chicken quilt and I will post the picture here. Quilting is kind of relaxing and I am enjoying doing it.

Do you think your family has settled for the long haul in the area you are at now or do you anticipate moving often?

We're home. (-:

Do you spend much time with the women in other families at your church or is most of your time focused with specifically your family?

Yes, I do. My two best friends from church anymore are Carlee and Lydia and we spend a lot of time together. Carlee is over here a lot and after the baby comes I plan on being over to help with her garden this summer.

and this might be too personal so just let me know---how do you work through/what do you talk to yourself about and think through when you are needing time with your hubby and he is with another wife and you feel jealous? do you have difficulty by like visioning their relationship or do you just train your mind to not think about the relationship your hubby shares with the other wives?

I'd be lying if I said it never bothers me that he is intimate with someone else but then I love the someone else he is with so that makes it easier. It is strange to get used to the thought that we share him but then sometimes that makes us closer. Like I have two friends to talk to about some very personal things and they totally understand what I'm saying and I totally understand it when it's one of them saying things like that. Being so close like this makes us all family and there are times when you see what we have as being family and so much more than just friends. I mean it is hard to have a jealousy in your heart for someone who loves your babies.

Are there times where your hubby confuses wives names?


Isa asked about water and where we are we have rights to the ground water and we can let the cattle drink the creek water but we're not allowed to put in a dam or anything. Other weird thing is we can't use rain barrels off the roof because people downstream own that water. So we have a cistern. Weird thing is a rain barrel is illegal but a cistern is okay. And we have no water meters.

An anonymous person asked about our dinner table and we have two of them now. It's the best way to feed everyone at the same time.

Marcus asked what made my father a monster and I had over a month to think about answering that question. He took away my teenage years is what he did. He was selfish and on drugs and his love for his drugs mattered more than anything and in the end of it I gave up dances and dates and proms and yearbooks and just waited to be 18 so I could leave my old life and start a new one.

I watched the end of Oprah yesterday and the part where she had the scene from The Color Purple was really powerful. When Whoopi Goldberg said to Danny Glover that thing about how everything he had done to her he had already done to himself it just planted like a seed with me. It's been on my mind and maybe that's what got me to write in this blog finally.

By killing the child I once was my father killed any chance he could have had at being a decent person. There's no curse I could have prayed on him any worse than what he already did to himself.

I know it is not very Christian but I cannot bring myself to pray for him.