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Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Nice break.

Time away from this was nice. The moderation on comments got turned back on. It is funny the questions from the one person about my personal stuff wasn't mean like the one comment I deleted. Someone told me in an email that some people are braver on the internet than in real life and you can see it here sometimes when people post stuff they would never say to you in person.

Thanks Helene for your nice response. Nice to have a friend!

I was not offended by the questions because like you said it was nothing that wasn't put on here before but I don't mind looking at it and seeing how things have changed for me.

Anonymous said...
I have a few questions: I'd like to know about your first time with your husband. Did you two have a honeymoon? Did you start babymaking right at the start? What did you think the first time you were fucking him and you knew you were going to have a baby? Do you like sex now? Is it your idea or his idea to have sex? You ever do it and not want to? What does he do when you don't want to have sex? What do your sisterwives think of quiverfull and providentialism?

1. No, we really didn't have a honeymoon.

2. Yes, we started babymaking right at the start.

3. It scared the hell out of me.

4. Most of the time.

5. His most of the time.

6. Yes.

7. He pesters me until I say yes or just give in.

8. Mostly we just accept it.

There is another post about patriarchal crap and it is funny the person wrote about me having three husbands. I have been on email with someone who is writing a story with a woman who has more than one husband and I guess if you can have a man with three wives then I guess a woman can have three husbands. Why not?

If we were talking about gay polygamy or whatever you would call it then I don't think anyone would care. Like if five gay men or five lesbian women lived as a family would they get in trouble or would anyone who reads this blog care about it? I don't think so. I also don't think anyone would care if a woman lived with three men and had their kids. Maybe she could also call all of them her husbands.

With our situation the thing is that women from inside the church have a choice about what they do and not all of them marry and have kids. Most families in the church are a man and a woman and maybe 1/3 of them are poly families. It is expensive to be poly and you have to do a lot of things first before the church approves of your being a poly family. That means you need to be married for a while, have kids of your own, and be totally debt free and not many people can do all of that.

Women from outside the church, like me, accept the patriarchy and the Providentialism as part of our lives because this life is better than what we left behind. All of the women I know who joined the church left something worse behind them and this can be VERY hard to take sometimes but it is still soooo much better than being homeless, abused, around drugs and alcohol, single mom no one wants to date, and more.

Here I go with this:

I know I have a lot of friends on line and some of them know this but not all.

When I was sixteen my father was out of prison on parole and he was way into meth and I was seriously hoping the probation officers would test him and send him back to jail but he was always sober when they showed up and they did not test him so that didn't happen. One time my mom was out of the house and he was doing a lot of meth and he raped me. He got more prison time for that and then he died and now I finally feel safer.

It left me seriously messed up and my mom was not a lot of help because she was doing meth too. She is off it now and is starting a new life but the two years between when I was raped and when I married into my family she was all about the pipe. College was not going to happen and getting a job in Sacramento and getting a place of my own was not going to happen.

When I was 17 it got into my head that I wanted a baby and I wanted a baby bad. Yeah, I know all the psychological stuff about wanting a baby to love and being emotionally f*cked up and it was all true for me. I knew it at the time that I was messed up but that changed nothing. I also knew I wanted a safe place to be in and I wanted to be with people who already had a safe home. When Christie invited me to visit I cried the first time when I left because what they had was such a dream to me.

But why didn't I just marry a guy my age? Guys my age are addicted to their phones and their video games the same way my parents were into meth. I don't know ANY guys under 30 who have it together in any way and I was not going to wait until I was 30 to start a life when I needed a life at 18. So I married Steve and my family and I accepted the sex and the patriarchy as part of what I chose to do all on my own because even with the things that are hard this is still almost a dream compared to what I left behind.

You know the biggest change for me? I live in a house that is CLEAN. No dirty clothes on the floor, no trash piled up and stinking, no dirty dishes caked with goo, and no one on meth stealing everything that is worth anything so they can have their white dragon. We have some drama here but we NEVER have the probation officers busting in at 3am to do a check, we never have the police just messing with us because they know we are trouble, we don't go from one apartment to another because my mom or dad smoked the rent money and we got evicted again. I am not sleeping on my cousins couch. Or in the car.

I came to this wanting a safe place and I wanted babies and I have both. It is not a big fantasy land because all of that came with something too. The safe place and clean house takes a LOT of hard work and that is part of why I am not on the net a lot. Christie is working again and she is not even home right now. Steve and Tab are gone on work. Me and Macy and Hannah are doing everything at home right now and it is a lot of work. Having my babies meant being with Steve and he is a WONDERFUL man and he tries his best with me and he has been patient with me when it is the right thing and he has not been patient with me at time when that was the right thing too. He knows about my past and he has done what he thought was right and I look back and I think it was all fine because things are turning out pretty good.

He knew what was best for me and I was forced to trust him if I wanted to stay and things turned out pretty good I think. I know that is called patriarchal but is that wrong? It is hard to let someone else make your important choices for you but if they make better choices for you than you know you can make yourself then isn't that a good thing? I think it is.

I was up last night and saw a TV show about models in New York city and all the hard things they do. My life is a lot easier than that! And the men in the fashion business use them like toys and go on to the next girl. THAT is abusive patriarchal(ism?) to me! Poly is easy compared to being a model in New York.

I don't think this would work for most women and I REALLY don't think this kind of poly would work for most men. Most guys my age will never know what it is like to own a car or a house or be debt free. Most of them live with their parents.

I liked a comedian we saw on TV and he said people my age are stupid with the cell phones. He said he looks at kids and they all look like a monkey at the zoo with a nut! I like that but I think they look like squirrels with a nut.

What I mean is that where I am is where I needed to be two years ago. It is where I need to be now. It is not always easy but it is better than the other choices I had back then.

I guess I had something to write! (-: