It's a little rainy here today. I know we need the rain but it would be nice to have some sunny days, too.
Steve was off to work early this morning and it was back to the normal routine getting breakfast on and all. It's weird not doing the honeymoon and just starting a normal life but this is the way it is done. One thing that was really nice was when Steve left I got a kiss goodbye and not just a hug like I used to.
I have Eric and Emmy for the day so Christie can do her work and the girls are going to do dinner tonight so I have some time to myself.
Shari sat with me after breakfast and we talked and she was interested in how I was doing. She was pretty open talking about sex and said I can expect Steve to give me a lot of attention in that way for a while. She said it was pretty normal that we would be like newlyweds for a while because we are newlyweds. She was a little late telling me a few things to expect from Steve and it was really sweet that she knows him so well. I haven't said it to her yet but it makes me feel closer to her because of what we share with Steve.
I wasn't so sure about writing about the bedroom stuff but Shari said to feel free and go ahead because it is a big part of my life right now. Okay then.
The sex has been a big thing for me because I had it the one time and it was over before I really even knew it was happening. I guess I always thought it didn't really count. The last two years I wondered what it would really be like and then a few months ago I started to really, really want everything that went with it and all. I've written about it all before and I don't want to be saying the same things again but it all really was important to me. I told some of this to Christie one night and she said to me "Girl you just need to get it over with." and I think she was right about that.
All of the things I was imagining about it and dreaming about it and fearing about it went away once it was done. Christie had said it was great once the first time was done because then she was free to just do it and she said it was liberating to be able to do it and not worry about getting pregnant or using birth control and she was right. I was really nervous with Steve on Saturday night and he was wonderful about it all. I didn't want a light on and he was okay about it and when I asked him to be slow he was. Actually being with him was so much different and better than I thought it would be. I guess I expected it would be painful and then just done and it was warm and close and loving and the most personal thing I have ever done. I really love Steve but had kept my distance in some ways and then all of a sudden I'm closer to him than with anyone else in the world. I'm just sorry he isn''t the only person to ever see me naked.
Steve made it wonderful the whole time and told me how beautiful I was and how much he loved me and he was so tender and gentle. When I asked him if he was about to (-: he said he was and he kissed me and held me tight and I could feel it happen and then everything was different after that. I didn't care if he saw me and I didn't jump a little when he touched me because it just felt so comfortable after the first time was done. Shari said I looked so peaceful on Sunday morning and I guess I feel pretty peaceful now. All the worrying I was doing is settled and over and I can just be me now. It was very special on Sunday wondering if I was a mom yet. I know it doesn't always happen so fast but it is so cool to think for the first time about the maybe. It is really awesome to think that sometime this year I will start being a mom. Dreams are so wonderful but when the dream is real it is a lot more beautiful.
I know I say a lot about being a mom maybe, but being a wife is pretty wonderful! Having all of Steve's attention is the most incredible thing in the world and feeling him loving me and wanting me and wanting a baby with me is the most powerful feeling I can imagine. Just calling it 'love' doesn't seem to be enough. I loved him before this but now it's like all these things got wrapped up in one.
Sorry to have to stop here but it is getting late and time to go.
BTW my new picture was taken by Christie on Saturday and she did all the stuff with the computer to it. She took it after the wedding when I was changing and she said I just looked so perfect.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
The Wedding
The Wedding went really well! We ended up with 73 people here!
I wore Christie's dress and I looked like a princess! Steve wore his tux with a white dinner jacket and Pastor Jeff wore his robes. We didn't do bridesmaids or bestmen and we also won't have a formal honeymoon because the church says those are pagan traditions and not Christian traditions. We still had a nice wedding cake and the reception was a lot of fun too. There was soooo much BBQ we will be eating it for the rest of the week. I got to have champagne along with everyone else and we had this big party until about 6pm when people started leaving. Shari and Christie and the girls did all the cleanup with some help from some of the women who came to the wedding and they told me it was all done and put away in about an hour.
I can't believe some of the presents! I have six new dresses, shoes, and there was a lot of money which will go to my savings. My favorite present is a handmade quilt with chickens on it! I don't know if I ever mentioned that I love chickens but one of the church ladies found out and made me the quilt. Christie bought me a penoir which is a nightie and robe set and it is pretty sexy!
After the wedding I changed into my blue dress and wore that the rest of the day and got to meet everyone and talk. One of the men told me that I was a 'rare commodity' and that Steve was very lucky to have me. He said that not a lot of women join the community and that when they do they are usually older like Christie and sometimes divorced with children. I got the impression he was a little jealous of Steve and I kind of liked that.
Before I forget, thank you to the people who wished me well on my last post and in email!
I had one of the ladies suggesting names for children and that was just amazing to be discussing names for children I might have! Wow! It was a little embarassing because for me to have children I'd have to be doing it with Steve and it was strange to just be talking like that.
Everyone was gone by 8pm and it was just family and then at 9pm Shari took Eric and went to bed, Christie took Emmy and went to bed, then the girls went to bed and then it was just Steve and me in the living room talking and a little before 10pm he asked me if I was ready to go to bed. He took me by the hand and we went to his room and he was very kind and patient and gentle. We didn't sleep a lot and this morning Shari brought us breakfast in bed as a wedding treat and we didn't leave Steve's room until almost lunchtime.
It was pretty amazing and wonderful to be with Steve and it was like Christie said that it was like jumping out of an airplane. Wanting to be a wife and a mom is a lot different from actually being a wife and maybe a mom and I had a lot of thoughts about it but then it got to where there was no going back and then it got to where I didn't want to go back. The best part of all was the time after when Steve just held me and kissed me and it was all quiet with the excitement all over. It was like you just go ahhhhhhh and relax.
After getting up Christie told me that the girls might say some things to try to embarrass me and both Stevie and Lauren asked me questions that were kind of shocking to hear from them and I just answered and acted like it was no big deal just to shock them right back. Christie said it was hard to get used to the girls knowing she was with their father and it really is the same for me even if I make a joke out of it when the girls try to embarrass me. At lunch I sat there and everyone was so nice and sweet and all I could think was that they were all looking at me wondering about me having sex. It's hard not to be embarrassed even when it's okay to do what we're doing. Other than Hannah everyone at the table knew exactly what was going on. Christie says you get used to it so I will try not to let it bother me.
Right now Steve had to go get four of the cows to a butcher in Fairfield so he won't be back until maybe 7 or 8. I don't mind having a little time to think but I am looking forward to him coming home and I think it might be nicer tonight than last night. Things were a little sore last night just because it was only my second time ever but it's supposed to be more comfortable after this so tonight will be nice.
It is weird to think I'm a wife and I could even be starting to be a mom right now. It was just two months ago this all really started and here I am. It all moved really, really fast and maybe it should have been slower but like Pastor Jeff said, would it make any difference? And it doesn't. This is what I wanted when I started looking a few months ago and then it is what I wanted when I was invited to join the family. Now I get to look forward to being a mom someday and really being a part of the family.
Okay, I have to go do thank you notes and get them in the mail for tomorrow.
I'll try to write soon!
I wore Christie's dress and I looked like a princess! Steve wore his tux with a white dinner jacket and Pastor Jeff wore his robes. We didn't do bridesmaids or bestmen and we also won't have a formal honeymoon because the church says those are pagan traditions and not Christian traditions. We still had a nice wedding cake and the reception was a lot of fun too. There was soooo much BBQ we will be eating it for the rest of the week. I got to have champagne along with everyone else and we had this big party until about 6pm when people started leaving. Shari and Christie and the girls did all the cleanup with some help from some of the women who came to the wedding and they told me it was all done and put away in about an hour.
I can't believe some of the presents! I have six new dresses, shoes, and there was a lot of money which will go to my savings. My favorite present is a handmade quilt with chickens on it! I don't know if I ever mentioned that I love chickens but one of the church ladies found out and made me the quilt. Christie bought me a penoir which is a nightie and robe set and it is pretty sexy!
After the wedding I changed into my blue dress and wore that the rest of the day and got to meet everyone and talk. One of the men told me that I was a 'rare commodity' and that Steve was very lucky to have me. He said that not a lot of women join the community and that when they do they are usually older like Christie and sometimes divorced with children. I got the impression he was a little jealous of Steve and I kind of liked that.
Before I forget, thank you to the people who wished me well on my last post and in email!
I had one of the ladies suggesting names for children and that was just amazing to be discussing names for children I might have! Wow! It was a little embarassing because for me to have children I'd have to be doing it with Steve and it was strange to just be talking like that.
Everyone was gone by 8pm and it was just family and then at 9pm Shari took Eric and went to bed, Christie took Emmy and went to bed, then the girls went to bed and then it was just Steve and me in the living room talking and a little before 10pm he asked me if I was ready to go to bed. He took me by the hand and we went to his room and he was very kind and patient and gentle. We didn't sleep a lot and this morning Shari brought us breakfast in bed as a wedding treat and we didn't leave Steve's room until almost lunchtime.
It was pretty amazing and wonderful to be with Steve and it was like Christie said that it was like jumping out of an airplane. Wanting to be a wife and a mom is a lot different from actually being a wife and maybe a mom and I had a lot of thoughts about it but then it got to where there was no going back and then it got to where I didn't want to go back. The best part of all was the time after when Steve just held me and kissed me and it was all quiet with the excitement all over. It was like you just go ahhhhhhh and relax.
After getting up Christie told me that the girls might say some things to try to embarrass me and both Stevie and Lauren asked me questions that were kind of shocking to hear from them and I just answered and acted like it was no big deal just to shock them right back. Christie said it was hard to get used to the girls knowing she was with their father and it really is the same for me even if I make a joke out of it when the girls try to embarrass me. At lunch I sat there and everyone was so nice and sweet and all I could think was that they were all looking at me wondering about me having sex. It's hard not to be embarrassed even when it's okay to do what we're doing. Other than Hannah everyone at the table knew exactly what was going on. Christie says you get used to it so I will try not to let it bother me.
Right now Steve had to go get four of the cows to a butcher in Fairfield so he won't be back until maybe 7 or 8. I don't mind having a little time to think but I am looking forward to him coming home and I think it might be nicer tonight than last night. Things were a little sore last night just because it was only my second time ever but it's supposed to be more comfortable after this so tonight will be nice.
It is weird to think I'm a wife and I could even be starting to be a mom right now. It was just two months ago this all really started and here I am. It all moved really, really fast and maybe it should have been slower but like Pastor Jeff said, would it make any difference? And it doesn't. This is what I wanted when I started looking a few months ago and then it is what I wanted when I was invited to join the family. Now I get to look forward to being a mom someday and really being a part of the family.
Okay, I have to go do thank you notes and get them in the mail for tomorrow.
I'll try to write soon!
Friday, March 13, 2009
Getting Nervous! O-:
Yeah, I'm getting nervous! Christie says I'm going to wear out the stairs if I don't stop running up and down them with stuff. It's 6:11pm right now and everything is done. Steve has a guy doing BBQ for after the wedding tomorrow so there's no food to have to do. We even have a wedding cake that will be here in the morning. The wedding is at 1pm tomorrow and it won't be some long thing like some people do. Christie says it will be about fifteen minutes because Pastor Jeff doesn't put on a show he just says what needs to be said.
My mom is coming and so are eleven of my friends so it won't be like I'm all alone. I don't know if I ever mentioned but I don't have any sisters or brothers but I do have some cousins and none of them are going to be here mostly because they all live in LA and it is a little far for them.
Shari is sleeping in my room with Eric tomorrow night and I will be with Steve. Wowowowowow!!!
That is so weird to write that down! I'm really looking forward to it but at the same time it's kind of like Christie said that it's like jumping out of an airplane. You really do a lot to get yourself to do something that is so thrilling and so scary at the same time. One of my pen-pals wrote somethings that made me think an awful lot about what all could happen and it is very real that sometime tomorrow night I might start being a mom. I guess I know this but seeing it written makes it a lot more serious I guess. It is really serious but it's all still something I really, really want to do.
Christie read my post about Steve and had to show me a movie called Gettysburg and then told me that Steve could best be described as Sam Elliot with red hair. I agree with that! Steve really does look a little like Sam Elliot but the real thing is he acts like him! He doesn't get upset about much at all and just always seems to be in control but you can tell that he isn't someone to mess with. And he talks quietly but with a rumble in his voice that is soooooooooooooooo sexy!!! Hahaha!!!
I can tell I'm just going to write stupid things so I'm going to stop there.
I also timed this. It is now 6:37 so the little bit I wrote here took me 26 minutes. Like I said this takes me a long time to write things and then check what I wrote. Most of the time I do okay doing it that way.
Okay, that is all for tonight so I will go! Please wish me luck or pray for me tomorrow!
My mom is coming and so are eleven of my friends so it won't be like I'm all alone. I don't know if I ever mentioned but I don't have any sisters or brothers but I do have some cousins and none of them are going to be here mostly because they all live in LA and it is a little far for them.
Shari is sleeping in my room with Eric tomorrow night and I will be with Steve. Wowowowowow!!!
That is so weird to write that down! I'm really looking forward to it but at the same time it's kind of like Christie said that it's like jumping out of an airplane. You really do a lot to get yourself to do something that is so thrilling and so scary at the same time. One of my pen-pals wrote somethings that made me think an awful lot about what all could happen and it is very real that sometime tomorrow night I might start being a mom. I guess I know this but seeing it written makes it a lot more serious I guess. It is really serious but it's all still something I really, really want to do.
Christie read my post about Steve and had to show me a movie called Gettysburg and then told me that Steve could best be described as Sam Elliot with red hair. I agree with that! Steve really does look a little like Sam Elliot but the real thing is he acts like him! He doesn't get upset about much at all and just always seems to be in control but you can tell that he isn't someone to mess with. And he talks quietly but with a rumble in his voice that is soooooooooooooooo sexy!!! Hahaha!!!
I can tell I'm just going to write stupid things so I'm going to stop there.
I also timed this. It is now 6:37 so the little bit I wrote here took me 26 minutes. Like I said this takes me a long time to write things and then check what I wrote. Most of the time I do okay doing it that way.
Okay, that is all for tonight so I will go! Please wish me luck or pray for me tomorrow!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
About Steve
I had a comment today and I guess I haven't said so much about Steve.
Wow, so much for taking things slowly! Can you tell us a little more about Steve. I know you have to keep his privacy, but in general terms what does he look like (body type, lots of hair, handome, etc)? How does he treat his other wives and children? Is Steve the head of the house who makes all the decisions or are the decisions made together with the wives?As a side note, I am glad for you that your mom is coming. Congratulations!CM
Thanks! I'm glad my mom is coming, too!
I know things are moving pretty fast but after talking with Pastor Jeff I guess I just decided that these were things that I wanted to have happen anyway so why wait? I don't mean like to just get it over with but here I am living here and knowing I want to stay and knowing I want to be with Steve and I'm waiting for what? I asked Shari if she felt closer to Christie when Christie had Eric and she said yes. She was sweet and said she wasn't saying anything to rush me but that when Christie came to be with them that they didn't think she was going to stay because her life was so amazing and then when she got pregnant it wasn't a question anymore. She said she's not so worried about me because she said I'm more like Steve and Shari than Christie was when she came here. Shari said she can just see that I want to be here and I want to be a mom and she thinks I'll be really happy here.
Steve is a real easy guy to be around. He doesn't get angry but he does get real intense sometimes so it's not like he isn't a real man but he just seems to always be in control. Nothing upsets him. Like when we had all the rain one of the cows got stuck in a creek and he was really gentle with the cow and talked to her like a pet to calm her down and then winched her out. He never yelled or anything he just did the job.
He runs his own business and has made enough money that we're okay with money in this economy. He had to lay off a lot of people because a lot of projects got cancelled but then he says he just had to work harder to get more work to keep things going.
I can't put his picture on here but he is really tall and Shari says he is 6'6" and 240 pounds. I guess because he is so tall he doesn't look that heavy. He looks pretty good and has a really flat stomach better than most of the guys I went to school with. He's 44 years old the same as Shari but he looks a lot younger and Shari says that's because he always wears a hat outside to keep the sun off. His hair is not real red but more auburn and he has some white hair in a few places. He always wears long sleeve shirts and I don't know if that is about the sun or if he just likes them. He is hard to explain about somethings. He wears a cowboy hat a lot and wears western clothes a lot for work and around here but he doesn't like too much country music. He likes old heavy metal music and Rascal Flatts and classical music and now he says he is liking some of my music like Plain White T's and James Blunt. He does not like rap music and that's okay because I don't like it either.
I found out that he was a Marine when he was younger and he got injured in Beirut and they let him go after that. He got a ruptured left ear drum and they had to do surgery to get it fixed but he was deaf in that ear for a long time and then Shari said around 1995 his hearing in that ear just came back and now he can hear just fine. I was told not to ask him about the Marines and to let him tell me about when he is ready because it is the one thing he can get really upset about sometimes. He does push ups and sit ups every morning when he gets up and the Marine thing explained where that came from.
He is a really wonderful daddy to his kids and the girls all love him a lot. I don't want this to sound creepy because it isn't but he is more of a dad to me than my own dad ever was so I can understand why the girls love him so much. He says no to a lot of things they ask for but it isn't about money because like when Lauren wanted a new violin for Christmas he bought her one that cost almost $10,000!!! Lauren told me about it and said Steve said that she would have it for a lifetime so he wanted her to have one that was worth keeping for a lifetime. But then the girls wanted a PSP and he said that was a waste of money and that if they wanted to sit around they could read or do their lessons.
Steve is the head of the house and he makes a lot of decisions but it's not like he does it alone. Shari and Christie make a lot of decisions all on their own like Christie buying her new car after her old one got wrecked. Steve says she should have got a truck or a suburban and she got another Volvo instead because she says she wants something that doesn't say "farm" on it. The decision to invite me to live here was between Steve and Shari and Christie and then they even asked the girls what they thought of the idea so everyone had a say in it. It wasn't just Steve wanting me here. Shari said if she or Christie had said no that would have been final and there would not be an argument. She also said there will be no #4 here and that she wasn't so sure she wanted a #3 but she really liked me on my own and that it was more about me being here than having a third wife here. I like that!
Steve is really smart but doesn't make me feel like I'm stupid because of my dyslexia. I don't like to read because it takes me a long time to read things right and then I have a hard time spelling and I really have to think about it when I write. This blog takes me a lot of time to write sometimes.
I don't know how to explain what it is about him that really attracts me to him. I guess it isn't anyone thing but all of the things about him. He is handsome but he isn't Brad Pitt or anything. I like when he is romantic because he holds me and kisses me but doesn't get all grabby with me. He really listens to me when I'm talking to him and he has got to be the best listening guy I have ever met. It's like he takes notes when you talk to him and he will mention something I said to him a couple days later and start our conversation over again. If there were one thing that really makes me love him it would be that he makes me feel like I matter to him and that I am really important to him. When he listens to me he looks right at me the whole time as if everything I said was the most important thing anyone had ever said to him. No one ever took me seriously before like that.
He also has this thing about him that you just know when he is in a room. I don't know how to explain that but like in the morning he comes down for breakfast and it doesn't matter how quiet he is you just know when he comes into the kitchen. Christie says she thinks it's really sexy and says she knows what I mean.
I know it sounds weird to just get to meet someone and then decide to be with them and it wasn't love at first sight or like you see in a movie. But now I think about leaving and that makes me so sad and then I think that I would miss seeing Steve and then I think about it and I know I love him. There's still this part of me that is worried about what I'm doing and wanting to hold back and wait but then the rest of me just wants to be as close to Steve and as much a part of this family as I can be. I'm really wanting it to be Saturday soon.
Wow, so much for taking things slowly! Can you tell us a little more about Steve. I know you have to keep his privacy, but in general terms what does he look like (body type, lots of hair, handome, etc)? How does he treat his other wives and children? Is Steve the head of the house who makes all the decisions or are the decisions made together with the wives?As a side note, I am glad for you that your mom is coming. Congratulations!CM
Thanks! I'm glad my mom is coming, too!
I know things are moving pretty fast but after talking with Pastor Jeff I guess I just decided that these were things that I wanted to have happen anyway so why wait? I don't mean like to just get it over with but here I am living here and knowing I want to stay and knowing I want to be with Steve and I'm waiting for what? I asked Shari if she felt closer to Christie when Christie had Eric and she said yes. She was sweet and said she wasn't saying anything to rush me but that when Christie came to be with them that they didn't think she was going to stay because her life was so amazing and then when she got pregnant it wasn't a question anymore. She said she's not so worried about me because she said I'm more like Steve and Shari than Christie was when she came here. Shari said she can just see that I want to be here and I want to be a mom and she thinks I'll be really happy here.
Steve is a real easy guy to be around. He doesn't get angry but he does get real intense sometimes so it's not like he isn't a real man but he just seems to always be in control. Nothing upsets him. Like when we had all the rain one of the cows got stuck in a creek and he was really gentle with the cow and talked to her like a pet to calm her down and then winched her out. He never yelled or anything he just did the job.
He runs his own business and has made enough money that we're okay with money in this economy. He had to lay off a lot of people because a lot of projects got cancelled but then he says he just had to work harder to get more work to keep things going.
I can't put his picture on here but he is really tall and Shari says he is 6'6" and 240 pounds. I guess because he is so tall he doesn't look that heavy. He looks pretty good and has a really flat stomach better than most of the guys I went to school with. He's 44 years old the same as Shari but he looks a lot younger and Shari says that's because he always wears a hat outside to keep the sun off. His hair is not real red but more auburn and he has some white hair in a few places. He always wears long sleeve shirts and I don't know if that is about the sun or if he just likes them. He is hard to explain about somethings. He wears a cowboy hat a lot and wears western clothes a lot for work and around here but he doesn't like too much country music. He likes old heavy metal music and Rascal Flatts and classical music and now he says he is liking some of my music like Plain White T's and James Blunt. He does not like rap music and that's okay because I don't like it either.
I found out that he was a Marine when he was younger and he got injured in Beirut and they let him go after that. He got a ruptured left ear drum and they had to do surgery to get it fixed but he was deaf in that ear for a long time and then Shari said around 1995 his hearing in that ear just came back and now he can hear just fine. I was told not to ask him about the Marines and to let him tell me about when he is ready because it is the one thing he can get really upset about sometimes. He does push ups and sit ups every morning when he gets up and the Marine thing explained where that came from.
He is a really wonderful daddy to his kids and the girls all love him a lot. I don't want this to sound creepy because it isn't but he is more of a dad to me than my own dad ever was so I can understand why the girls love him so much. He says no to a lot of things they ask for but it isn't about money because like when Lauren wanted a new violin for Christmas he bought her one that cost almost $10,000!!! Lauren told me about it and said Steve said that she would have it for a lifetime so he wanted her to have one that was worth keeping for a lifetime. But then the girls wanted a PSP and he said that was a waste of money and that if they wanted to sit around they could read or do their lessons.
Steve is the head of the house and he makes a lot of decisions but it's not like he does it alone. Shari and Christie make a lot of decisions all on their own like Christie buying her new car after her old one got wrecked. Steve says she should have got a truck or a suburban and she got another Volvo instead because she says she wants something that doesn't say "farm" on it. The decision to invite me to live here was between Steve and Shari and Christie and then they even asked the girls what they thought of the idea so everyone had a say in it. It wasn't just Steve wanting me here. Shari said if she or Christie had said no that would have been final and there would not be an argument. She also said there will be no #4 here and that she wasn't so sure she wanted a #3 but she really liked me on my own and that it was more about me being here than having a third wife here. I like that!
Steve is really smart but doesn't make me feel like I'm stupid because of my dyslexia. I don't like to read because it takes me a long time to read things right and then I have a hard time spelling and I really have to think about it when I write. This blog takes me a lot of time to write sometimes.
I don't know how to explain what it is about him that really attracts me to him. I guess it isn't anyone thing but all of the things about him. He is handsome but he isn't Brad Pitt or anything. I like when he is romantic because he holds me and kisses me but doesn't get all grabby with me. He really listens to me when I'm talking to him and he has got to be the best listening guy I have ever met. It's like he takes notes when you talk to him and he will mention something I said to him a couple days later and start our conversation over again. If there were one thing that really makes me love him it would be that he makes me feel like I matter to him and that I am really important to him. When he listens to me he looks right at me the whole time as if everything I said was the most important thing anyone had ever said to him. No one ever took me seriously before like that.
He also has this thing about him that you just know when he is in a room. I don't know how to explain that but like in the morning he comes down for breakfast and it doesn't matter how quiet he is you just know when he comes into the kitchen. Christie says she thinks it's really sexy and says she knows what I mean.
I know it sounds weird to just get to meet someone and then decide to be with them and it wasn't love at first sight or like you see in a movie. But now I think about leaving and that makes me so sad and then I think that I would miss seeing Steve and then I think about it and I know I love him. There's still this part of me that is worried about what I'm doing and wanting to hold back and wait but then the rest of me just wants to be as close to Steve and as much a part of this family as I can be. I'm really wanting it to be Saturday soon.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Late on Tuesday
Eric is not feeling well so I'm up and figured I'd take the time to write. I have a lot of email to get to and will try to get to it tomorrow.
Christie and I had a long discussion on Monday night about a lot of things and I have to say she has been very nice to me and very supportive to me. The first thing she got into is that after the wedding I'll be seeing the lawyer to become part of the family in the legal sense. I'll have the same share in the family that everyone else has and that's supposed to make sure I'm protected. I don't think it will be needed but Christie said that they do it this way to help make sure it is never needed. I argued a little and she just says "Shut up and roll with it!" and she is right. It's not my place to refuse this.
I went to the doctor today to get a check up and Christie let me drive her car to go to the appointment. It's really nice to be trusted not to be a jerk behind the wheel of someone's nice car. The point of the check up was pretty obvious to make sure I don't have any STD's or stuff like that and I don't. I'm in perfect health the doctor said. Yay!
Saturday is coming up REALLY fast!!! My mom now says she might come and that would be really nice. A few of my friends are coming and then a few of the people from church are coming so it looks like about 60 people will be there now. Wow. Shari finished the dress and I tried it yesterday and it was really pretty. Steve will be wearing a tuxedo so it will be very traditional.
Part of what Christie and I talked about Monday night was what to expect with Steve. She told me that the wedding is mostly to resolve my place in the family and not about any pressure to be with Steve and that just because there is a wedding doesn't mean there has to be a wedding night. I asked her about her first time with Steve and she said it was on her wedding night and that she was really ambivalent (my new word, LOL) about things just because there is so much committment happening all at once. She said it is a lot to think about and that 'sealing the deal' was the hardest part because it could not be undone. She said it was all sort of unreal to her up to that point and then she said it got very real.
Christie married Steve when she was 26 and she was pretty honest with me that he was not her first lover. She didn't say how many but she said that the difference with Steve was she knew Steve wasn't with her just to have sex but to make a baby even their first time. She said it makes the whole experience a lot more different than sex just for fun. That does make me kind of nervous knowing that I might be pregnant in a few months. It's also pretty amazing to think that I might be pregnant in a few months!
Christie said that the first time was the hardest for her because there were so many emotions involved but then after that was done she said it was a lot easier to enjoy being with Steve. She didn't get pregnant right away and she said after a period she would be a little nervous thinking that this might be the time but then she said Steve is so gentle and caring that she found herself just loving him and thinking about a baby less and less and then she got pregnant.
I guess out of all that I feel a little better that it's okay to be nervous but I'm also thinking that I might want to go ahead and let Saturday night be more than just another Saturday night.
O-:
I guess I should mention too that part of why I can't sleep isn't just Eric. Steve came home earlier and I was alone in the kitchen making dinner and he stopped me and kissed me. Someone said something to me about curling my toes last week and Steve curled my toes! He is an AmAzInG kisser!!! I know I have all these worries but I'm also wanting to find out what else he's good at.
Time to write something else!
I took a picture last week when it started to clear up and it was pretty good. It's the picture at the top of this post. Christie let me use her camera and she has a really good camera but it is a little complicated to figure out at first. She says I can practice with it so I might do more pictures when there is something worth taking pictures of.
Eric is crying again so I have to go. Good night!
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Exciting & Boring
Hello! This week was busy and it started off exciting but it settled down to boring and busy pretty quick. I decided that boring is good!
Christie is pretty awesome! She gave birth almost two weeks ago and yesterday she went out and ran four miles and then did a bunch of work outs. She wants to get rid of some of her baby gut she says and she really looks pretty good already. I didn't run with her but I rode the bike and it was fun being out and going by the lake with her early in the morning. I haven't done much exercise since high school last year so this was a big workout for me and now I'm going to be Christie's workout partner. I plan on sleeping really good every night!
My mom and dad have both said they won't be coming to my handfasting-wedding next week and mom says she's really disappointed and can't bless what I'm doing but that she will be there for me if I need her. Some of my friends are coming and we're just going to do it kind of simple. Christie is letting me have her dress for the wedding and Shari took it in for me and then we'll put on some food for everyone and just make the best of it. Pastor Jeff will be here and some of the people from our church will be here, too. It would be nice if my mom would come and I hope she will change her mind.
Steve took me to the jeweler on Friday and they're making something nice out of the ring he gave me. I didn't know you did that with rings but I guess that's how it's done is to give someone a plain ring and then go back and make it custom for them. I got to choose how I wanted it and I chose to put the diamond in the middle with small sapphires all around it. The jeweler said it was a reverse Princess Di which is supposed to be a big sapphire with small diamonds around it. The jeweler is also adding a third diamond to Steve's wedding ring and that just about made me cry. I don't know how to explain it but it made me feel so happy when Steve said he was doing that.
After the jeweler we went to lunch and got to talk a lot and on the way home Steve held my hand again and we kissed a little bit in the truck when we got home. He is so polite and careful about me and it's funny to see him nervous about kissing me. I'm nervous kissing him, too but he's just this 100% man and to see him get all soft and tender is really cool. He's also really amazing when he's holding Emmy or Eric and it's easy to see how much he loves them. I wish my own dad had been like that when I was growing up but he was always more interested in watching football or going out with his friends than being around me. I've wondered if I had been a boy would he been different with me?
One of my pen-pals said that with Steve I was getting a husband and the father I always wanted wrapped up in one package and I think that is kind of right. Steve asked me something like this and I said it really didn't matter what was attracting me to him because I was happy. I asked him how he felt about me and he said he loved me and that I was just really easy to love for who I am and then he said I was also 'easy on the eye' and that he felt pretty lucky that I wanted to be with him because he thinks a lot of guys would want me, too. I told him that a lot of guys probably do want me but he's the one who is making me happy. I'm sorry my mom won't be coming to the wedding but I am not at all sorry that I will be married to Steve next week.
Well, I have some email to get to and will try to get on here later and write some more. Maybe.
I read the two comments on my last post and here's my answers to them:
1. I understand the thing about getting married kind of soon and some of this is more coming from me than from Steve or Pastor Jeff. I made up my mind that I don't want to leave here because this is the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. That's the big thing. Pastor Jeff talking to me helped me to realize that if I already made up my mind to stay then committing should be easy or else I haven't made up my mind. It was actually pretty easy to commit when Steve asked me to because I want it myself.
2. Getting pregnant is nothing I have to be pressured into! I guess this is the reason I called this an adult blog when I started it was because I knew at some point I'd want to write about my feelings to want to be a mom and my feelings about wanting to be with a man.
I didn't write about it here before, but after Emmy was born Christie let me sit with her one night and watch her breastfeed Emmy. It was so beautiful I wanted to cry and I kind of did. Then Christie asked me if I wanted to hold Emmy and of course I said YES!!! but then Christie says to me that a newborn baby has the softest skin they will ever have and it's a blessing to feel it the right way. So Christie had me pull down my night gown and I held Emmy against me that way and she cuddled up to me. She didn't try to suckle because she was already full but just holding her like that was better than the best feeling I've ever had in my life. I really am looking forward to having a baby of my own and having those moments all the time. So no one needs to force me to get pregnant because I can't wait.
Okay, then there's the thing about getting pregnant. The one and only time I had sex it wasn't all that great but afterward I was afraid of being pregnant and then I ended up disappointed because I wasn't pregnant. I am looking forward to the day I get a + on my pregnancy test!
And the real adults-only part is that I am so stinking horny to be with a man who loves me and is committed to me! I've known so many little boys in big bodies and it would be easy to just have sex with them because that's what they want: easy sex with no committment.
I want a baby but I want a baby after making love to a wonderful man who won't be all disappointed if I get pregnant and ask me to have an abortion or just use me. Condoms and pills just make sex toys out of people and they rob us of one of the best parts of sex and that's the chance you might be making a baby! Real intimacy means you open your souls to each other and you seal the deal when you say you want to make a family together and you want to do it on purpose and not just accidentally because a pill failed or a condom broke.
I am really looking forward to being with Steve and knowing that when he's inside me we might be making a baby together.
And I really, really, really am looking forward to having sex! I can't wait to be naked with Steve and have him be passionate about me and feel him as he loves me.
Trust me, no one is forcing me to do anything. When I'm kissing Steve it's all I can do to stop myself from raping him half the time. Yeah, I know it's teenage hormones like everyone says but do you all mind if I enjoy those hormones because I won't be 18 forever?
Now I need a cold shower! LOL! :-P
Getting dinner going will have to work for now.
Christie is pretty awesome! She gave birth almost two weeks ago and yesterday she went out and ran four miles and then did a bunch of work outs. She wants to get rid of some of her baby gut she says and she really looks pretty good already. I didn't run with her but I rode the bike and it was fun being out and going by the lake with her early in the morning. I haven't done much exercise since high school last year so this was a big workout for me and now I'm going to be Christie's workout partner. I plan on sleeping really good every night!
My mom and dad have both said they won't be coming to my handfasting-wedding next week and mom says she's really disappointed and can't bless what I'm doing but that she will be there for me if I need her. Some of my friends are coming and we're just going to do it kind of simple. Christie is letting me have her dress for the wedding and Shari took it in for me and then we'll put on some food for everyone and just make the best of it. Pastor Jeff will be here and some of the people from our church will be here, too. It would be nice if my mom would come and I hope she will change her mind.
Steve took me to the jeweler on Friday and they're making something nice out of the ring he gave me. I didn't know you did that with rings but I guess that's how it's done is to give someone a plain ring and then go back and make it custom for them. I got to choose how I wanted it and I chose to put the diamond in the middle with small sapphires all around it. The jeweler said it was a reverse Princess Di which is supposed to be a big sapphire with small diamonds around it. The jeweler is also adding a third diamond to Steve's wedding ring and that just about made me cry. I don't know how to explain it but it made me feel so happy when Steve said he was doing that.
After the jeweler we went to lunch and got to talk a lot and on the way home Steve held my hand again and we kissed a little bit in the truck when we got home. He is so polite and careful about me and it's funny to see him nervous about kissing me. I'm nervous kissing him, too but he's just this 100% man and to see him get all soft and tender is really cool. He's also really amazing when he's holding Emmy or Eric and it's easy to see how much he loves them. I wish my own dad had been like that when I was growing up but he was always more interested in watching football or going out with his friends than being around me. I've wondered if I had been a boy would he been different with me?
One of my pen-pals said that with Steve I was getting a husband and the father I always wanted wrapped up in one package and I think that is kind of right. Steve asked me something like this and I said it really didn't matter what was attracting me to him because I was happy. I asked him how he felt about me and he said he loved me and that I was just really easy to love for who I am and then he said I was also 'easy on the eye' and that he felt pretty lucky that I wanted to be with him because he thinks a lot of guys would want me, too. I told him that a lot of guys probably do want me but he's the one who is making me happy. I'm sorry my mom won't be coming to the wedding but I am not at all sorry that I will be married to Steve next week.
Well, I have some email to get to and will try to get on here later and write some more. Maybe.
I read the two comments on my last post and here's my answers to them:
1. I understand the thing about getting married kind of soon and some of this is more coming from me than from Steve or Pastor Jeff. I made up my mind that I don't want to leave here because this is the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. That's the big thing. Pastor Jeff talking to me helped me to realize that if I already made up my mind to stay then committing should be easy or else I haven't made up my mind. It was actually pretty easy to commit when Steve asked me to because I want it myself.
2. Getting pregnant is nothing I have to be pressured into! I guess this is the reason I called this an adult blog when I started it was because I knew at some point I'd want to write about my feelings to want to be a mom and my feelings about wanting to be with a man.
I didn't write about it here before, but after Emmy was born Christie let me sit with her one night and watch her breastfeed Emmy. It was so beautiful I wanted to cry and I kind of did. Then Christie asked me if I wanted to hold Emmy and of course I said YES!!! but then Christie says to me that a newborn baby has the softest skin they will ever have and it's a blessing to feel it the right way. So Christie had me pull down my night gown and I held Emmy against me that way and she cuddled up to me. She didn't try to suckle because she was already full but just holding her like that was better than the best feeling I've ever had in my life. I really am looking forward to having a baby of my own and having those moments all the time. So no one needs to force me to get pregnant because I can't wait.
Okay, then there's the thing about getting pregnant. The one and only time I had sex it wasn't all that great but afterward I was afraid of being pregnant and then I ended up disappointed because I wasn't pregnant. I am looking forward to the day I get a + on my pregnancy test!
And the real adults-only part is that I am so stinking horny to be with a man who loves me and is committed to me! I've known so many little boys in big bodies and it would be easy to just have sex with them because that's what they want: easy sex with no committment.
I want a baby but I want a baby after making love to a wonderful man who won't be all disappointed if I get pregnant and ask me to have an abortion or just use me. Condoms and pills just make sex toys out of people and they rob us of one of the best parts of sex and that's the chance you might be making a baby! Real intimacy means you open your souls to each other and you seal the deal when you say you want to make a family together and you want to do it on purpose and not just accidentally because a pill failed or a condom broke.
I am really looking forward to being with Steve and knowing that when he's inside me we might be making a baby together.
And I really, really, really am looking forward to having sex! I can't wait to be naked with Steve and have him be passionate about me and feel him as he loves me.
Trust me, no one is forcing me to do anything. When I'm kissing Steve it's all I can do to stop myself from raping him half the time. Yeah, I know it's teenage hormones like everyone says but do you all mind if I enjoy those hormones because I won't be 18 forever?
Now I need a cold shower! LOL! :-P
Getting dinner going will have to work for now.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
A Memorable Week!
It's Tuesday and I have a LOT to catch up on!
I'm going to start with the weather. It has been really rainy in Northern California and Steve even stayed home today because the road out of here was not looking good last night and sure enough there was a mudslide on it and a creek was overflowing one of the bridges. It was nice to have him home all day (-:
We had to tranqulize one of the horses because the hail freaked her out. It was pretty scary and all I did was watch! Steve held the horse and Stevie gave her the shot and it took ten minutes and then the horse was fine. It's not one of our horses but a horse that is boarded here for some people from Roseville. Our horses did fine and the cattle didn't seem to care about the weather at all. I guess I expected cattle would want to be in a barn when there is bad weather but they don't care. It's kind of nice to be learning all this stuff.
Okay, so Sunday was really exciting! We must have had 50 people here and everyone started showing up around 10:30 and we did the service out in the garage. We had the cars outside for the service to make room. The "love bomb" went off on me again after service and I don't think there was anyone I didn't meet. Everyone was really nice to me and Steve later told me that a couple of the men congratulated him on 'catching' me. Steve said he was a little offended that I was compared to a bass but he said guys can be like that and it is meant well. It didn't bother me at all. The women were all really sweet to me and they were really excited to see someone new joining their group. I did meet some of the daughters who are my age and most of them are going to school but are looking to get married when they can. One of the daughters who is 24 is married to the son of one of the families and is the first and only wife for him. He is in the Army and is in Afghanistan and she can't wait for him to come home. She has two boys and says she would love to have a sister-wife just to have company in the house but they have to wait until her husband leaves the Army because they can't afford another person in the house on their income.
The service was pretty normal and we sang hymns and had prayer time and Steve & Shari gave thanks for me coming to join them and that was sort of embarassing on top of all the other stuff. But it was still nice. Pastor Jeff gave a sermon on Jesus at the temple going after the money changers and he compared it to today with the economy and it seemed like a good message to save your money and don't get tangled up in credit cards and debt.
After the service people just hung around for an hour or so and had coffee and cookies and sandwiches and then they all seemed to leave about the same time. It was a lot of fun and next month we get together at a home up near Chico where one family has a rice farm.
Pastor Jeff stayed to talk to me after everyone else left and we sat in the library so we could be alone. He was a lot younger than I expected for a Pastor and I would guess he is maybe 30. He has two wives and didn't grow up in the church but joined it when he worked for the family that has the rice farm. He went to seminary to become a Baptist Pastor and said the Lord drew him back to this life after he graduated from seminary. His wife is from Oklahoma and she is very nice and he says that she didn't want to do this but that it grew on her and she got to be close friends with the daughter of one of the families and one day the daughter told her she wanted to be with her and Jeff and she said okay and let things happen.
Pastor Jeff asked me some serious questions like was I sure about what I was doing and did I understand that I was making choices that could not be undone? I told him this was something I had wanted for a long time but didn't realize that it was THIS that I wanted until I found it. He said he understood that. I told him about feeling the same way Christie did and she had told me that a John Denver song really captured the way she felt.
He was born in the summer of his 27th year
Comin home to a place he'd never been before
He left yesterday behind him, you might say he was born again
You might say he found a key for every door
And that's how I feel too. I was really sad to find out John Denver was dead because he understood life so well.
Pastor Jeff then got into talking about me being a single woman and how if I was going to stay in the house there had to be some resolution of who I was to the family. He asked if Steve and I were getting romantic and I had to say yes because we've kissed a few times and he said that was good but that it could be a problem if the relationship isn't 'defined'. He asked me if I wanted to leave and I said no. Then he asked me if I wanted to stay and I said yes. Then he asked me if I loved Steve and I said I was starting to. Then he got up and left and had Christie come in and tell me about how she started in the family and how she got married to Steve after a few weeks of living here and then letting things happen from there. We had some serious talk about what it meant to join the family and marry Steve and then Christie stepped out.
Steve came in and had me come out to the living room and everyone was sitting around looking and I was all like "What?" and they all smiled like there was a joke I didn't know. Then Steve took my hand and put a ring on it and asked me to marry him. I knew this was supposed to happen at some point but it still surprised me when it did and it blew me away! I just laughed a little and asked if this was for real and Steve said it was and I said yes! It was all hugs and tears after that and Pastor Jeff got me and Steve away for a minute and said he would be marrying us on March 14th. That's less than two weeks! WOW! O-:
Pastor Jeff saw I was tweaking and had me go back to the library with him and he said that we would be married so it would resolve who I was in the family and prevent any problems but that what was between me and Steve would still have to go at my pace. He said that my wedding day and my wedding night don't have to be on the same day if I don't want them to be.
Stopping for dinner was really great because it gave me time to think and get a grip and to trip out on the ring on my finger. It's a real diamond and it's really big! Wow.
After dinner Shari did the chores with the girls and Christie and I went off to go talk. Christie told me that things went the same for her and that I didn't have to get married but that since this was where things were going anyway the church wants to be sure there's a committment before anything serious happens with me and Steve. Having Christie to talk to calmed me down a lot and I guess it all does make sense. I had already made up my mind that I wasn't leaving and being a permanent house guest doesn't make any sense. Christie offered to let me wear her wedding dress and I tried it on on Monday morning and it fit pretty good but Shari will be taking it in up top because I'm not as busty as Christie is.
Where this all is now is my mom and a few of my friends will be here on the 14th for the wedding and I will be getting married that day. Pastor Jeff made sure to tell me that legally we call it a handfasting and not a wedding so we can help avoid legal problems. He said that within the church I am Steve's wife but that the legal thing will have to wait a while. He said the courts in Canada might be making poly legal there this year and if that happens he thinks the USA will do the same thing too. He says they can't say it's okay for gays to marry and not say the same for poly families.
So I'm just all wow right now. Things are really busy here with the weather so I may not write much here this week but I will try to check in.
I'm going to start with the weather. It has been really rainy in Northern California and Steve even stayed home today because the road out of here was not looking good last night and sure enough there was a mudslide on it and a creek was overflowing one of the bridges. It was nice to have him home all day (-:
We had to tranqulize one of the horses because the hail freaked her out. It was pretty scary and all I did was watch! Steve held the horse and Stevie gave her the shot and it took ten minutes and then the horse was fine. It's not one of our horses but a horse that is boarded here for some people from Roseville. Our horses did fine and the cattle didn't seem to care about the weather at all. I guess I expected cattle would want to be in a barn when there is bad weather but they don't care. It's kind of nice to be learning all this stuff.
Okay, so Sunday was really exciting! We must have had 50 people here and everyone started showing up around 10:30 and we did the service out in the garage. We had the cars outside for the service to make room. The "love bomb" went off on me again after service and I don't think there was anyone I didn't meet. Everyone was really nice to me and Steve later told me that a couple of the men congratulated him on 'catching' me. Steve said he was a little offended that I was compared to a bass but he said guys can be like that and it is meant well. It didn't bother me at all. The women were all really sweet to me and they were really excited to see someone new joining their group. I did meet some of the daughters who are my age and most of them are going to school but are looking to get married when they can. One of the daughters who is 24 is married to the son of one of the families and is the first and only wife for him. He is in the Army and is in Afghanistan and she can't wait for him to come home. She has two boys and says she would love to have a sister-wife just to have company in the house but they have to wait until her husband leaves the Army because they can't afford another person in the house on their income.
The service was pretty normal and we sang hymns and had prayer time and Steve & Shari gave thanks for me coming to join them and that was sort of embarassing on top of all the other stuff. But it was still nice. Pastor Jeff gave a sermon on Jesus at the temple going after the money changers and he compared it to today with the economy and it seemed like a good message to save your money and don't get tangled up in credit cards and debt.
After the service people just hung around for an hour or so and had coffee and cookies and sandwiches and then they all seemed to leave about the same time. It was a lot of fun and next month we get together at a home up near Chico where one family has a rice farm.
Pastor Jeff stayed to talk to me after everyone else left and we sat in the library so we could be alone. He was a lot younger than I expected for a Pastor and I would guess he is maybe 30. He has two wives and didn't grow up in the church but joined it when he worked for the family that has the rice farm. He went to seminary to become a Baptist Pastor and said the Lord drew him back to this life after he graduated from seminary. His wife is from Oklahoma and she is very nice and he says that she didn't want to do this but that it grew on her and she got to be close friends with the daughter of one of the families and one day the daughter told her she wanted to be with her and Jeff and she said okay and let things happen.
Pastor Jeff asked me some serious questions like was I sure about what I was doing and did I understand that I was making choices that could not be undone? I told him this was something I had wanted for a long time but didn't realize that it was THIS that I wanted until I found it. He said he understood that. I told him about feeling the same way Christie did and she had told me that a John Denver song really captured the way she felt.
He was born in the summer of his 27th year
Comin home to a place he'd never been before
He left yesterday behind him, you might say he was born again
You might say he found a key for every door
And that's how I feel too. I was really sad to find out John Denver was dead because he understood life so well.
Pastor Jeff then got into talking about me being a single woman and how if I was going to stay in the house there had to be some resolution of who I was to the family. He asked if Steve and I were getting romantic and I had to say yes because we've kissed a few times and he said that was good but that it could be a problem if the relationship isn't 'defined'. He asked me if I wanted to leave and I said no. Then he asked me if I wanted to stay and I said yes. Then he asked me if I loved Steve and I said I was starting to. Then he got up and left and had Christie come in and tell me about how she started in the family and how she got married to Steve after a few weeks of living here and then letting things happen from there. We had some serious talk about what it meant to join the family and marry Steve and then Christie stepped out.
Steve came in and had me come out to the living room and everyone was sitting around looking and I was all like "What?" and they all smiled like there was a joke I didn't know. Then Steve took my hand and put a ring on it and asked me to marry him. I knew this was supposed to happen at some point but it still surprised me when it did and it blew me away! I just laughed a little and asked if this was for real and Steve said it was and I said yes! It was all hugs and tears after that and Pastor Jeff got me and Steve away for a minute and said he would be marrying us on March 14th. That's less than two weeks! WOW! O-:
Pastor Jeff saw I was tweaking and had me go back to the library with him and he said that we would be married so it would resolve who I was in the family and prevent any problems but that what was between me and Steve would still have to go at my pace. He said that my wedding day and my wedding night don't have to be on the same day if I don't want them to be.
Stopping for dinner was really great because it gave me time to think and get a grip and to trip out on the ring on my finger. It's a real diamond and it's really big! Wow.
After dinner Shari did the chores with the girls and Christie and I went off to go talk. Christie told me that things went the same for her and that I didn't have to get married but that since this was where things were going anyway the church wants to be sure there's a committment before anything serious happens with me and Steve. Having Christie to talk to calmed me down a lot and I guess it all does make sense. I had already made up my mind that I wasn't leaving and being a permanent house guest doesn't make any sense. Christie offered to let me wear her wedding dress and I tried it on on Monday morning and it fit pretty good but Shari will be taking it in up top because I'm not as busty as Christie is.
Where this all is now is my mom and a few of my friends will be here on the 14th for the wedding and I will be getting married that day. Pastor Jeff made sure to tell me that legally we call it a handfasting and not a wedding so we can help avoid legal problems. He said that within the church I am Steve's wife but that the legal thing will have to wait a while. He said the courts in Canada might be making poly legal there this year and if that happens he thinks the USA will do the same thing too. He says they can't say it's okay for gays to marry and not say the same for poly families.
So I'm just all wow right now. Things are really busy here with the weather so I may not write much here this week but I will try to check in.
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