I found out earlier tonight that my father is dead. He died in prison after getting cancer. He was a monster in my life and I am glad that he is dead so I don't ever have to worry about him in my life ever again. My life was pretty normal until he messed it up.
I know I have some responses to do but I am not thinking of those things right now. I am sorry.
Things will be better.
I had a monster for a biological father too. He is dead too. I felt the same way. I wasnt an only child so mine wasnt the only life he tried to ruin. I say tried because I refused to allow him to ruin mine, some of my sisters didnt allow him to ruin theirs either. One sister didnt have the choice.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
ReplyDeleteDear Megan,
ReplyDeleteThat is very sad and I am very sorry to hear it. Not only that he is dead but more that he was a monster to you. No-one deserves that, especially from a family member.
I am just writing to tell you that don't be surprised when you still go through the 'stages' of grief. I have some experience in this area and sometimes when a close family member dies, it is worse when we have had a bad relationship with them than when that relationship was good and loving.
I imagine this is when a poly family like yours will really show it's strengths. I wish you (all) all the best.
Robyn
I'm not sure if I'me happy for you or sad for you or maybe some of both. Maybe you could expound on what happened between you that made him a 'monster'? Not that I'm digging, I'm just curious as you have brought this up.
ReplyDeleteI understand "monsters" too Megan-they come in many forms, many faces, and many ways to ruin us...but I've found that the very fact that we were children of these kinds of people makes us MORE loving, MORE sensitive and MORE aware of how hard it can be sometimes to raise children with love.
ReplyDeleteYou may indeed find yourself having some emotions over this-sometimes healing comes out in strange ways at strange times. But I found that it was only after my parents died (they died 4 years apart) that I became truly who I really am, and not some appendage of my sick family.
Hugs and Happy Spring!
Isa
I agree with Robyn. The relationship, however deprived of good feelings it is, is just as deep.
ReplyDeleteKnowing that some situations will never be resolved satisfactorily or have a happy ending is hard- especially when the options are taken away (even just a fantasy -even while knowing it's just a fantasy). I've had people tell me that after the person, usually family- has passed- they find they are not as angry anymore, but they don't now know what to feel- sometimes they feel guilty they don't feel all that sad, or for feeling even relieved.
ReplyDeleteKnow that you don't have to carry the burden of all these things, you can try to let go of these things along with him. Some people do this through prayer or writing a letter or burying the letter or burning it, some just do it intellectually and that is all they need. Know that you don't have to have to 'inherit' the things he did to go to prison (I'm assuming he was not wrongfully convicted) or whatever else he did or failed to do- that was his life, his choices- you are an entirely new creature, and can be without anger or shame or anything you associate with him. Whether or not he's 'free' now, or still paying off his karmic credit, or whether he can in the hereafter atone for whatever he's done, is not your worry. It's very hard to let go of anger, especially when it is family and it is deserved and as they say, Rome wasn't built in a day- just don't let the resentment discolor and taint the happiness you now have with your new family.
wishing you well from the bay area,
I have some of those type of people in my life also....Praying for you as you work thru all your different reactions to his death. I imagine you will swing thru a lot of emotions and all of them are ok. Don't feel bad if you feel happy, angry, sad, and a mixture of all of the above at different times. (((hugs)))
ReplyDelete