Thank you all for the nice things you have said and for the prayers! I really, really appreciate it!
There were a lot of questions on the blog and email and I am sorry if I don't get them all.
The Pastor from where Shari is now called yesterday and told us she is okay and that she is not going to use a lawyer out of the church. She will accept the 20% of everything she has a right to and then leave Lauren and Hannah with us. Shari is going to leave the church and the Pastor said she agreed to see a therapist too to help her adjust to things.
Yeah I think that having a fourth wife and a third wife (me) was not so good a idea for Shari. I know she wanted more kids in the house but then I really think she meant she wanted to have the kids. And then when me and Macy came here we got a lot of attention and that probably hurt Shari and it showed. It sucks because for me and Macy there is no going back on things to make it good for Shari and if I could do that I would.
She was really upset and we all got use to it and I hate to say it but you notice it more because she left. Now things are so calm that you really see how upset it was before. I mean she used to give everyone hard looks sometimes like she was way pissed at you and then you'd ask what was wrong and she'd say nothing and play it off and you'd be thinking you imagined it.
Menopause is probably part of what happened with her and maybe it is hormones? I don't know. But I am listening to people talk about it and it could be that she was upset that she just could not have babies anymore and that was a big thing. I really don't know and am just saying things here and don't mean to make it gossip.
It is sunny and warm today but not too hot and we have bad weather tomorrow so there is a lot to do and I need to go. I hope you all have a nice Saturday.
For some women, being able to bear children is, in their minds, what makes them a woman. If Shari felt this way, then I can see how she would resent you and Macy. And that is unfair of her. If she had a problem, she should have opened a dialogue with y'alls' family so everyone could discuss his or her issues or thoughts, and how it perhaps related to Shari's issues, or was caused by/causing. I understand your husband is the head of the household, and ultimately, his decision is made. However, he doesn't seem to be even in the same ballpark as tyrannical. From what you've said, it seems like he'd have been more than willing to listen to Shari, and try to make her feel more special, or work with her, or whatever she needed.
ReplyDeleteBut instead of doing the mature thing, and having an, admittedly, difficult conversation, she chose to leave. It was selfish, it was unfair, and while I'm sure her biological children will be raised with more familial attention/love in your home, she still, effectively, abandoned them there. They'll have their mothers, and their Father, but their bio-mom left them. How do you think that makes them feel? Those poor girls! You all have to be very supportive, and if you see sudden acting out and a change in demeanor- get them to a therapist asap! They could start stewing and getting resentful of their bio-mom, and then take it out on their family-moms.
Perhaps her hormones are whacked out, but I've never, ever met a menopausal woman who was so crazy she'd just up and leave her family. I do not think that was the only reason, but I can assure you it definitely exacerbated the other reasons. Sadly, I doubt your family will ever know what those reasons truly are.
She shouldn't have been unhappy that she was incapable of having children, as the children you, Christie, and Macy would add to the family would be her's too. If she were jealous of your childbearing abilities, she could have talked to you about it, and tried to work something out. Because she did not, perhaps she didn't truly have the Poly mindset in the first place, and therefore, perhaps she should never have agreed to the second wife?
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps, none of it really matters now. All these whys must be causing such emotional turmoil in your home. All of you probably feel like a pile of rocks in an earthquake. I am very sorry, and I hope things settle down soon. It doesn't matter why anymore. What's done is done. All you can do now, is turn your attentions and love on each other, and support one another through this sad, difficult time.
I am *very* glad she isn't making trouble for her, sadly, ex-family. We have all seen how vindictive exes can ruin a Poly family. Even vindictive friends.
I really hope Shari gets the therapy she needs, to work on any emotional stress she may have. The sooner she let's go of her insecurities, jealousies, or whatever else may be bothering her, the sooner she can heal, and be truly happy with herself, and those around her.
And don't think you're gossiping. As you, yourself, have said many times before, this is your journal, for your thoughts. And I suspect this issue is very much on your mind. *hugs* It'll get better! It just takes time to heal. :D
Warmest Regards,
C
Megan, polygyny hurts women, especially first wives. I am guessing that Shari felt unloved and unwanted after the new brides came along. This is one of the big problems with poygyny. Personally, I feel Steve hurt and betrayed Shari by taking other wives. He clearly wasn't listening to her well at all. THAT is one of the big problems with patriarchal religions. They don't teach men to respect and treasure women.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure Steve THOUGHT he was respecting Shari but I'll bet anything that Shari felt he wasn't. I just hope Shari decides to have her daughters join her soon. They need their mother.
that is really sad, I hope she finds some peace. It makes sense that she wanted more kids and having other pregnant people around made it hard for her to deal with. And I think when a women goes through menopause she has a lot of emotional stuff to deal with, not just b/c she can't have kids(without medical intervention) but b/c there are hormonal things going on as well. I hope she does talk to someone and is able to find some happiness. She should have stood her ground if she didn't want more wives, doesn't everyone have to agree to let someone new in. Maybe she felt pressured to make Steve happy and have more babies. I hope everyone comes through things for the best. Maybe later on she will be able to remain friends with everyone.
ReplyDeleteRebeckah, sorry, but you're just plain wrong. Blanket statements like yours often are. It's as silly as saying that anyone who has more than one child automatically hurts and betrays their first child. Nonsense. If I said, "Having three kids always hurts kids, especially the first kid -- it's not possible for a parent to love more than one child." you'd call me crazy. There are many successful and loving polygynous families. It's foolish to say that polygyny "always" does this or that.
ReplyDeleteIs macy pregnant yet? I understand you and christie are now permanently tied to steve but I don't remember reading about Macy....
ReplyDeleteActually, Lafe, I didn't make a "blanket statement" -- I made a "blanket guess" and I stated it as such. The relationship between a husband and wife is in no way like the relationship between a parent and child, a sibling and sibling, or any other familial relationship. That is because none of them deal with the physical intimacy of a husband/wive relationship. Trying to compare it to the non-physical love between family members is simply deceptive.
ReplyDeleteAnd I certainly can make a blanket statement that polygyny hurts the majority of first wives as there is study after study that shows exactly that.