Wednesday, July 15, 2009

My idyllic life

I'm sorry about LOL'ng on this but it was funny about my life being idyllic!

I've said before and will say again that we do have some real problems here and I never really get into them because they don't even compare to the problems I left behind when I came here. So I don't talk about them much because they don't mean so much to me and then the good things here make the bad things insignificant.

Just so you all know my problems here are:
  • The girls get into arguments sometimes over who is wearing someone else's clothes or who has someone else's stuff or something else that is really no big deal.
  • I don't always get a lot of sleep if I'm taking care of the babies which is something I want to do anyway so it's my fault that I am not sleeping.
  • I get up at 5am almost every day.
  • I'm not pregnant yet. This is starting to bother me.
  • My old friends have nothing to do with me anymore.
  • My mom has a new boyfriend and has nothing to do with me anymore.
  • Shari likes us girls to wear dresses all the time and I don't mind most of the time but some of the time I like to wear shorts.
  • Six people knowing almost every intimate detail of my life. Sometimes this is nice, but sometimes it is embarrassing.

I tried to list the problems I used to have and it is just too sad. Sorry but I am not doing that. I need to move on from the past and let it go. But it was bad, okay? So bad that nothing in the list I have now seems that bad. My new life is not perfect but I don't care. It's like having a big ass diamond that has a few flaws. Who cares if it isn't perfect because it's one big ass diamond and you should be happy to have it! That's me. I got a flawed diamond and I don't really notice the flaws. They are there but they are not what I focus on.

About education I am starting culinary classes soon and will be learning to be a professional chef and I will intern at a restaurant for a while to complete my AA degree. I will have an education that I want but maybe not what everyone else wants. Not everyone is meant for college and I am one of those people.

Minty, I can't see your blog or email you. Is your blog and stuff private?

Chocolate ice cream, strawberries, whipped cream, fudge sauce, and all on a chocolate cake.

21 comments:

  1. You know, you are an equal adult member of the family, so if you don't want to wear the dresses all the time, then speak up and talk to your sister wives. You said the church doesn't enforce the whole dresses, And Steve doesn't mind the shorts, So then speak up and make it known you'd like the choice to wear the dresses or the shorts and it should be a choice.

    Good Luck and Speak Up

    ~Heather

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  2. I love this post. It is nice to see that your situation is normal in these ways... but I understand it can be hard about your old friends not having anything to do wih you anymore. I just got rid of a friend who didn't like my lifestyle (I'm not that different but I felt she was too judgmental of my husband etc and our life). It feels ok sometimes but sometimes i'm sad we can't all stay friends. I do feel better not being judged though.
    It sounds like the family really love you so you're a lucky girl. You've found a safe haven of ssorts. I loved your analogy of the diamond by the way. So beautiful :)

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  3. Regardless of what type of a relationship anyone is in it is important not to lose one's identity. Compromise is key, but when it's always done on one side then it becomes a problem. I would encourage you not to conform to certain ways or ideals if you don't want to.

    You seem very easy going and even passive when it comes to your new family's ways. And while I'm sure that helps promote harmony within the family it can also give the impression that you are one of the children rather than an adult who has a voice and the rights about how you would like to live.

    Do you feel comfortable in voicing you difference of opinions with your husband and sisterwives or do you put aside your wishes in order not to generate conflict?

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  4. Megan said: Who cares if it isn't perfect because it's one big ass diamond…

    LOL! That's beautiful… To continue my thoughts from the last post, promise us when you do finally learn all the churchy jargon, that you won't stop using wonderful metaphors like 'big ass diamond'! I mean it… You have to promise!!

    Megan said: I will have an education that I want but maybe not what everyone else wants. Not everyone is meant for college and I am one of those people.

    Amen!! I don't understand the obsession with college degrees either, but we've had that debate on previous posts…

    ALM asks a good question. Then again, you have to pick your fights… Someone who loses sleep over the toothpaste lid being left open is only sabotaging their own happiness. ALM, the other thing to consider here is that Megan joined an existing family knowing that they wore long dresses. Do you think it would be fair of her to do that and then a few months later turn it into an issue about personal rights?

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  5. I loved the diamond analogy, that sounds amazing. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by the drama I have to deal with that I wish I could just leave it all behind and move out to the country.

    I'm glad you are pursuing education in something that is interesting and exciting to you. Sometimes I wish I had switched my major to something that I find more interesting but I'm so close to graduating I just want to get it over with. You are right, not every one is meant for college and I wish more people would see that.

    Your blog is so wonderful to read because you are happy and you are doing exactly what you want to do. Not enough people do that anymore. Hope you are well.

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  6. To Donald:

    In answer to your question: I would hope that when Megan joined the family that it was acknowledge that Megan has personal rights as well. I would hope that the mentality isn't the existing family's way or the highway.

    Just as Megan was aware of the dress code, I would hope that Steve and the sisterwives understood and accepted that Megan will have her own way of doing things and a compromise should be figured out so all is happy.

    Maybe Megan didn't have an issue with the dress code initialy because she'd never experienced that kind of attire and so she went with the flow. Now, having lived in dressess and seeing the positives and negatives, I believe she is entitled to voice her preference and find a happy medium.

    Our needs, attitudes and beliefs are always in flux because of our experiences. It's like a new job - you read the job description and some of the tasks seemed okay, though you really don't know because you've never done them before, and then you actually get the job and find out that those tasks really aren't as desirable as you first thought.

    Personal preferences have to be acknowledged and addressed if the relationship is going to thrive and grow. If someone is "forced" to do something they don't want to then resentment startes to grow.

    Asking for a compromise is fairness personified. Not asking that your wishes or needs to be addressed is called deprivation.

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  7. My Dear, I am so glad to see you have out grown the pettie problems of living in a family. I also love your analogy of the flawed diamond. It shows your mature wisdom and childish thoughts of how to express those mature thoughts.

    I would like to respond my thoughts about the advise from your last post. I agree with Johnny and Donald. My view point on the churchie thing after 60+ years of being a Christian is this. Remember the whole churchie thing is based on the human thoughts and the interpretation of the those thoughts as based on the Bible. Sometimes those thoughts are biased or absolutely wrong. Also most churches have become social organizations and have lost sight as to why they were founded. I have found after many years of reading the Bible and finding my own interpretations within it have helped me more than all the years of listining to sermons of someone elses opinion. God said "where ever two or more stop to worship Me there I will be also". I believe the Bible refers to the church as those who believe in Jesus Christ. As I see it "The Church" and their interpretations has been broken into many factions till none of them have very much in common with "The Church" Jesus had intended. As you read the Bible you will see like all of us what you want to see and interpretate it to your liking. As you do and you finally give yourself over to Jesus/God you will see how He will help you in many ways. In fact He has already helped to protect you by allowing you to find a Godly family to protect you while you grow within Him.

    Just Keep you eyes open and Pray for guidence as you read your Bible and you can't help but grow in God.

    cmpdom67

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  8. Megan,
    Sorry you objected to having your life referred to as "idyllic", it just seemed to be appropriate at the time, given your descriptions. With regard to my suggestion that you continue school and training, I have to look out for my younger, new Christian sister ! As a physician, I have seen too many young women who were widowed at an early age when they married older men.Glad to hear that you are earnestly pursuing your education. I would not want you to have a problem supporting yourself when you get older.

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  9. You make valid points ALM, and I wasn't necessarily disagreeing with you… I guess I just cringe a little when I hear people talk about standing up for their 'rights' in a relationship, because if that's the predominant mindset of both people, the relationship will not thrive — it will deteriorate from willing give-and-take, into a battle to just take and protect yourself. In a healthy relationship, the other person wants to give, because they are just as concerned about your well-being as you are. In that setting, yes… open and honest communication about our needs and desires is a good thing. A safe environment fosters that kind of openness. People aren't afraid to talk openly, because they sense that others will value their feelings and consider their needs and wishes.

    I guess another way of looking at it is this… In a healthy relationship, each person considers what is best for the relationship as a whole. Perhaps it helps to picture the relationship as a living organism in its own right. What are the relationship's needs? What will make the relationship healthy? Because when the relationship is healthy and thrives, the individuals tend to as well.

    ALM, let's say one of the wives in a polygynous marriage stands up and says, 'You know what, I really hate XYZ', and another is hurt and insists that 'XYZ' is the way it has to be. How do you suggest they resolve this? Do they have a group meeting and discuss it? What if they just can't agree, even on a compromise? Does the husband have the final say? Does the first wife outrank the others? Do they put it to a vote? Get a divorce? If 'XYZ' is too abstract to base an answer, then take the dresses as the issue. Let's say one wife believes that it is morally wrong to show off her legs in public, or whatever, and another wife believes it is an insult to her as an adult not to be able to wear what she pleases… how would you advise they handle this?

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  10. Megan, Like I said before, speak up about the dresses. It seems that its a Shari thing, cause when she is gone, Crissy breaks out the shorts. So perphaps she doesn't like them either but is too afraid or busy to speak up. If something bothers you, no matter how small, speak up. Its not good to hold things in and let them fester under your skin.

    A little story about letting small things fester:
    My husband and I, had a second wife (Dating stage). She had a dog and we all agreed that dogs are outside animals and need to remain as so. We had a full meeting and everyone voiced their own sides, except she went along with whatever we said. She only agreed cause she was afraid to speak against us or myself. She let this small little issue fester and eat away at her, til she finally just blew up and screamed and then things got physical. Because of the getting physical and damageing our childrens property, we had to break up with her. A few weeks later, she finally came back and told us, that the blow up was all because she wanted her dog to be able to sleep in the laundry room, but didn't want to disagree with us. She admits it was a stupid issue and we had given her plenty of times to speak up and we'd reach a compromise. She was afraid, I pointed out that I was afraid also, but that I compromised with her on how to rearrange the kitchen dishes. It was a small issue and because of that it destroyed our relationship, We are friends now, but thats it.

    Sorry to let that ramble so much, but don't let something as small as a dress code fester, speak up. Reach a compromise.

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  11. If something really does bother you, not letting it fester is very, very good advice… and Fallen Star's story is a good illustration. The other woman was really being dishonest about her feelings out of fear. Fear and dishonesty do not make for healthy relationships!

    But see, I don't think it was a 'small thing' to that woman to have her dog kept outside. For her, it was a big thing. That's why I said you need to pick your fights. Constant nit-picking doesn't help a relationship either. And I speak as a recovering nit-picker! Some things really are so small they're not worth worrying about. Megan may just have a tendency to focus on the positives rather than the negatives. In my mind that's a virtue.

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  12. cmpdom67, I like what you said about 'human thoughts' and biases. Jesus rebuked the religious leaders of his day, saying 'You have a fine way of setting aside the commands of God in order to observe your own traditions!' I absolutely agree too with your comments about the 'church'. People have tried to institutionalize something (as people always tend to do) that was never meant to work that way.

    The part I would disagree with, and quite strongly, is where you say: 'As you read the Bible you will see like all of us what you want to see and interpretate it to your liking'. Correct me if I've misunderstood you here, but shouldn't our Bible reading be an honest search for the truth as the Holy Spirit reveals it to us? If we only see what we 'want to see' how is that any better than adhering to the thoughts and biases of the established institutions?

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  13. Hi there,it's my first time...or no wait...second time :) on your BLOG.I just wanted to say to you that you have to trust in your new life and everything will be fine.I also find it so great that you want to become a chef.That must be such a nice profession :)!Just go ahead and live the best of your life :)!
    Kiss,kiss...

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  14. Donald

    If there is mutual love and respect for one another then personal differences are not that big of a deal and they can generally be worked out in a way in which everyone wins. My husband and I adhere to this philosophy and it has worked out very well for us. When we both feel strongly about our POV's we tailor the solution that incorporates both our thoughts on the matter.

    Conflict should be resolved in a rational and respectful way. I do not believe that the husband or the first wife should have the finally say in anything. That is disrespectful and leaves the others un-empowered.

    If someone doesn't want to compromise then I would say they have control issues. When it gets to that point then there are serious stuff brewing. Who's to say that the wife who claims it's immoral to show skin really has an issue with her body image and knows she may not look as appealing in shorts and tanks to the husband as the other two wives. She uses the morality angle as a way to keep the other two wives wrapped up like Christmas ornaments in order to calm her own insecurities about her body.

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  15. I would like to suggest a book for you to read to help with your past and letting go - it has helped me A LOT! It is called The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie - At first it seems silly but trust me it works, it gives you daily passages to read and helps you to focuse on the good and helps with all sorts of emotions - try your local library - I am positive it will help :)

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  16. Donald, My answer to your question of disagreement is a question. Isn't that how the established institutions came to their conclusions by reading what they wanted to read instead of reading for the truth? We can all read the same passage and I'll bet better than half of us will interpreate it differently. That is why I said what I said. If it was not true then answer me this. Why is there so many Christian denominations?

    Amswer: Some interperated what they read differently than others and that interpertation had a bias. That is why we have to pray for the understanding of the truth of the Writen Word. It dosent mean we'll reach it except in our own mind.

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  17. I'm confused… I'm still not sure whether you're saying it's a good or a bad thing to 'see … what you want to see and interpretate it to your liking'.

    The history behind denominational church organizations is a long and complex one, with influence from pagan culture as well as well-meaning, but often misguided, Christians. One of the problems is that when we are raised in a certain culture, we tend to take it for granted. We may question elements of our culture (and from time to time you get revolutionary thinkers who question things more than most of us), but as a whole, people are unaware of how pervasive tradition is in their thinking. Secular culture influences religious, and unbiblical religious tradition survives from one generation to the next. For example, robes worn by the clergy (and many other liturgical practices) can be traced back to pagan Roman culture, but now they have become a tradition associated with some streams of Christianity. The source of many religious traditions have nothing to do with the Bible — although sometimes people will retrospectively use the Bible to try and justify their tradition. For example, someone wanting to find support for ordained priests and pompous religious ceremonies could refer back to certain elements of Old Testament Judaism, even though first century Christianity did away with all that. Even those organizations that claim to have returned to a Biblical model of church may be clinging to many non-biblical traditions without ever realizing it.

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  18. Good comment, Donald. Thank you.

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  19. Elements and traditions celebrated in the name of Christmas are taken from pagan celebrations: Yule and Saturlina.

    Miseltoe, the yule log, the christmas tree, gift giving, the stag (reindeer), the green man (Santa Claus) are all pagan elements that pre-date Christianity.

    Christ was not literally born on 12-25, yet it is his offical birthdate according to the Christian religion because it is close to the date of the Winter Solstices (12-22). By incorporating pagan rituals into the new founded religon - christianity- it was a way to convert the pagans.

    Has anyone ever wondered why Easter is always on a different day every year? Easter is determined by the following formula:

    Easter is the first Sunday after the first full moon that appears after the Spring Equinox (3-22). The Spring Equinox is another pagan holiday. Same strategy applied here as with Christmas: incorporate pagan rituals into christian ones to get people to convert.

    Though many Christians do not like to hear it, both of Christianity's big holidays are steeped in paganism.

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  20. Donald, Although this is not the place to continue this argument I will make this last responce.

    You are a classic example of what I have said. You read what I said in plain english and because it dosen't fit into your beliefs you reject it, then continue to argue your own point of view.

    Have you ever played the wisper game where a group of people line up and a moderator wispers into the first person's ear a simple fraze? Then each person wispers the fraze to the person next to them till the end. The last person resites the fraze and it never comes out the same as to moderator first recited. People have selective sight and hearing and only retain what they want to retain.

    Enough is said.

    cmpdom67

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  21. I'm still not sure what your point is… Never mind.

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