I will admit that it was not exactly what I wanted at first. I'm just being honest that I did not come here because I loved everyone. Thank you to Steady for asking me about that. I came here I think mostly to get away from my old life and this was the best I could do and not join the Army and that really was something I was thinking of doing.
Once I got to know everyone here I really liked what they had and I wanted it too. I will admit that I was very naive but I will also be straight up that everyone here was very honest with me and nothing was said to me that was not exactly the way it was. Everyone was very honest with me about what was expected from me if I wanted to stay and I accepted it all when they said it. When the words became real I had a lot of problems adjusting to things when I look back at it.
I didn't get into it too much on here after a point because some people just used my misgivings as a way to attack the life I had chosen. There is nothing wrong with this life but it is really, really different and I was struggling with it all. Women who have regular marriages have the same struggles and all of the divorces we see all the time are proof that just because you do it the traditional way does not mean it will work for you. I have only been here five months so it is unfair of me to say that this will work for me. I am hoping it does and it seems to get better all the time but do I know for sure? No, I don't.
It is true that I did not love Steve when we got married but I trusted that things would work out and they did. I can say I really love him now and I learn to love him more all the time. I have different relationships with Christie than I do with Shari and that is because they are not the same person and I had to learn to be fair to them both and not expect them to be the same. I had to learn to be a parent to all the kids even though I am not a lot older than they are and that was a lot harder for me than it was for them.
This choice cost me all of my old friends and that hurt me and helped me to be a part of this here. It hurt me to lose my friends but then because they left me there was a place in my heart for new friends and for a new family.
Steady and a friend from another site got me thinking about why I am here and to be honest with myself here is why:
- Starting around this time last year I really, really started to want a baby. I mean like so much it hurt not to have a baby. I know that makes me like the totally emotional teenager who wants a baby so she has someone to love and that is 100% true. A couple times I even came close to just having a fling with a guy just so I could get pregnant.
- I wanted to get away from my family. This was not so important to me as having a baby but it was important to me to get away from my mom's crazyness and to put my father and his problems behind me.
- When Christie invited me here to visit I honestly came here like on research. I was curious and wanted to see what this was like and then when I saw it and how it made my life at home look I wanted to have this too.
- Steve, Shari, and Christie all said that a condition of my being part of the family was to have children. I think they half-say this just to scare people off but for me back at the start of the year I was just sort of logical about it and thought that they want me to have a baby and I want to have a baby so my problem with this is what?
And here I am five months later. It has not been perfect for me but 99% of the problems I have had here are all me. Steve, Shari, Christie, and the girls are the most wonderful people and we have normal problems but when we have what I call "We" problems it is mostly something in my heart or in my head that is the problem. Having some really good friends online has really helped me work out some of those problems so they don't get in the way of my happiness here.
Different subject before I stop for lunch...
We had our final last night at school and I am home today. I did okay and got a 91 out of 100 and the teacher gave me an A- for my grade so I am pretty happy about that. I was not on here a lot during the study part of school because it is not easy for me to study. Maybe I might have more time now.
On Monday we start with sauces and that will be every morning until lunch time and then in the afternoon we will start on breads and rolls. The best part is we get to take home everything we bake! Yay! I know it is not free bread and stuff but it feels like it. It will be nice to start learning things I can actually start using at home.
It is now lunch time. I might be on later. Have a nice weekend everyone!
Peace and quiet on a patio with a cool breeze.