Monday, April 20, 2009

Thoughts

It's been over a month now since I married Steve and with getting to see the reality of this and getting my thoughts provoked by emails and questions and some reality I just have things on my mind.

I'm not looking for answers but these things are just on my mind so I am posting them.

1. A pen pal asked me about if I was just expected to be a baby factory because she is interested in poly and the families she contacts all want to know if she will have babies? While I told her that I know some poly families ask this just to sort out the curious women from the serious women it did leave me with questions. I asked Shari if I would have been accepted here if I said I didn't want children and she said that my being open to having kids was a big reason why they decided to accept me. I wanted that anyway but knowing that part of why I am here is to have kids has left me with thoughts I can't explain. It's not like I regret it and it's not like it makes any difference but I guess I wanted to be loved 100% for me and not just for me being a mom. I'm still very much looking forward to being a mom and I know I am so seriously loved but now I wonder if it is about me or not?

2. A couple nights ago I was up late with the baby and on the computer and in the middle of things I got to hear Christie moaning as Steve was doing you know what with her in the next room. Its been one thing to know he is with Christie and Shari and it is another to know it. The next time he was with me after that all I could think of was that his thing had been inside Christie the night before and that he had been making her happy the same way he does with me. And then I know that he does it with Shari and I guess the reality of exactly how the three of us share him just really hit me. I mean I know I knew this all along but it wasnt on my mind as something so real. I don't know why but now I'm just stuck on this in my head now. I guess I never really thought about the sex part and that the part of Steve that is in me sometimes has also been inside Christie and Shari.

3. I talked about my problem in #2 with Christie and she was embarassed that I had heard her and then she was very open talking about it with me. It's not like I am revolted or anything but it's just having an epiphany* about things that changed the way I look at Steve, Shari, and Christie. I guess I never thought of the reality that they make love too. Christie says the word 'confess' a lot and she told me that she thinks it is a little erotic that we are connected by Steve. She says its not like she is gay or anything but that it is a connection we share and it makes her feel closer to me and more comfortable with me. She also says that when she thinks about Steve and me or Shari together it gets her going.

So I guess the whole weirdness for me right now is that I was thinking of Shari and Christie as my sisters and as moms and suddenly seeing them as being sexual is a big adjustment. Like how some kids freak when they catch their parents having sex, you know? It is one thing to know and reason that your parents do it but to catch them and see them as being sexual is a big adjustment.

I am still sorting out how I feel about it. It's not bad or anything I just need to deal is all.

The weather here is HOT. It sucks. We went swimming today and it was wonderful to be in the water and get out of the heat. Christie took Emmy in the pool for the first time and freaked me out when she let go of Emmy and Emmy just started swimming. Christie said swimming is an instinct and all babies know how to do it and that we teach them to be afraid of the water and her kids won't be afraid of the water. Eric swims too.

We did Subway sandwiches for dinner so I didn't have after dinner chores to do. Yay! It was nice not heating up the kitchen. And with Christie getting done with taxes she is doing breakfast somedays so I can sleep in and that has been so good! It is so amazing to get up at 7am instead of 5am for a change.

I got my tax refund for $185.00 and I should have another coming soon. I'm buying Mother's Day presents and a Father's Day present tomorrow at the mall. I am really pumped about my first Mother's Day here and it will be cool to do Father's Day for the first time in a long time and care about it.

Steve is talking about a trip somewhere with all of us. The ideas are Disneyland, a cruise, or a week at a cabin in Lake Tahoe and I guess I want the cruise to Alaska. I always wanted to see Alaska. The only real trip I took was going to Aruba with my friends last year and that was more of just watching everyone party than having a real vacation.

That's all for tonight!

* Christie told me the word for what I was dealing with was 'epiphany'.

27 comments:

  1. Wow, that is a lot to deal with, but I guess it had to hit you sometime... the reality is setting in.
    I'm not sure how i'd go with knowing my husband ws so intimate with other women.. i mean, now that you heard it, it must really sort of put the shock into you. I was considering a polygamous marriage before I met my husband but the man didn't want us to live together, so that never would have happened. And knowing that he had a wife... I wouldn't say it turned me on but it felt different. I can't exactly find the words to describe it... I wasn't repulsed, but in the end I decided I wanted a man who was for me and me only. Now I wish he'd just go away, lol. !!
    It'll take time and you'll get through it. I got pregnant straight away with my hub (our plan) and it did take away from "us" a bit, but it's so amazingly special to share a baby. It is so wonderful to know that she is him and me, you know what I mean?

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  2. Faith in Writing, shock is the right word! I am not a writer like you are so the words for somethings dont happen for me. I can understand why you didnt do poly. It sounds like the guy wanted something other than a wife so you made a good decision. I know I am sacrificing the us thing with a husband in all the sharing with my sisterwives and then we are just letting nature take its coarse with the baby. Its the sharing the baby I look forward to. I can see how much you love your baby and I cant wait to do the same for mine!

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  3. Megan.. I am not sure about you but I am quite bored with all the financial questions.. and the sex questions. Why do people want you to be more specific really? Donald commented on your previous posts to disregard these questions and I would do so as well. Share whatever you feel like sharing. Some things may be left private.

    First off, very good of you for being honest to Christie and telling her you heard the two of them! You should stay honest as much as you possibly can in this marriage. That keeps the devil out.

    I don't really get how Christie feels about you all sharing Steve. I don't feel anything remotely similar about sharing my husband with other wives. It really doesn't get me going at all, it does the opposite. What I figured out at some point - I had the same thoughts as you do now about sharing - what I realized was that my husband really isn't thinking about the other wives when he is with me. When he is with me he is with me, and when he is with them he is with them. By thinking about things like 'how can he sleep and share the same intimacy with another woman' it was actually ME who was bringing another person into our bedroom and making things complicated. He was there devoted fully to me, and I was in some way sharing him and not being fully devoted to him, but thinking about too many things.

    Talk to Steve about our feelings. This helped me a lot. Mr.Hubby explained that making love to each wife is unique, its a thing that the two of us share, which can't be copied, and that it is just a way to express love to one another.

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  4. Hi Megan,

    Most people today when they marry decide ahead of time whether or not they want to have children. Even though procreation is an instinct there are people that do not want to have children. Most of the time it is a deal breaker in a relationship if one person wants children and the other does not.

    When I married my wife over 12 years ago I dreamed of someday having children with her. If she would have told me that she never wanted to be a mother it would have been a deal breaker since I am a family man by heart. Now after 7 years of trying to have children, we have been unsuccessful. I married her because of love and for the beautiful Christian woman that she is. Even though she cannot have children I love her more today than ever before.

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  5. Megan, my thoughts on this are that it was a good thing this happened now, as opposed to later. Why? Because you are still new to the relationship. Life with Steve, Shari, and Christie is still new to you, and you will have your little doubts and reservations. That's normal going into any unknown situation.

    The best advice is what the other commentors have said. Talk to your family, honestly and openly, about your thoughts and worries. That's what family is for, to help you get through the things you can't do alone.

    As for the pregnancy issues: If it wasn't an issue before now, then why should it be an issue going forwards? You wanted a baby when you accepted the arrangement, it was never said to you "We're only doing this to get another woman making babies in the house." From your posts, the warmth and affection that your husband and sisterwives show to you isn't predicatied on "She's going to make more babies" but rather on "She's someone we want as part of our lives going forwards." If that makes any sense at all.

    Don't let little things burrow under the skin and fester. In any environment, openness and honesty are always the best policies.

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  6. To Third: You poly marriage is somewhat different from Megan's since you live by yourself. Chances are you've never heard your husband giving pleasure to another woman. Knowing that your husband sleeps with other women tends to be in that fuzzy gray area of "out of sight - out of mind" thing, but hearing it going on in the next room makes it more black and white and I would imagine, more unsettling.

    Megan lives with her sisterwives which creates an intimacy between them whether in the form of friendship, sibling or mother-figure. You share a husband with your sisterwives - you do not share yourself with them the way Megan does.

    Megan: I think it's very mature of you to confront the concerns your insights have presented to you. Being honest about your feelings is very healthy and is really in your best interest.

    I have to admit that when I first read your story I was very concerned about how young you are and was hoping that your were aware of every aspect that this lifestyle would present to you. The excitment of being a part of a family that you always wanted may have over shadowed the reality of the marriage.

    Regardless of the situation it is always a good thing to know where you stand and the expectations of others regarding you. It's also important that they understand what your expectations are too. I hope you never compromise yourself to the point that it leaves you with a negative feeling about you or you life.

    Think of your commitment not only in the terms of that LLP you signed entitling you to the material assets of the marriage, but also in the terms of the emotional partnership you've formed with your family. You deserve the same rights there as well.

    I hope you continue to acknowledge these insights as they come along and that you always have the safety, love and warmth of your family to help you understand the things you are learning about your self and the life you've chosen.

    Best of Luck

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  8. ALM, I really don't know… Your food for thought, although expressing care and concern, always seems to have a little pill of doubt and mistrust concealed within. Maybe I'm off-base here, but it's just the vibe I get. I'd just encourage you to check your own heart and make sure your words are all motivated out of love, and not any bitterness you may still feel about your own life.

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  9. I forgot to say that I loved Jorge's comment. I think he's spot on. Some things are too important not to work out before you marry someone, and some things can really be worked out as you go along. But in all things, love has a way of healing our disappointments, and Jorge's story is a perfect example… I know many couples struggle with infertility, and it must be so hard to accept when you've always dreamed of having children. In the end though, love is what gets people through.

    I agree with Tuxedoian when he (she?) said, 'From your posts, the warmth and affection that your husband and sisterwives show to you isn't predicated on "She's going to make more babies" but rather on "She's someone we want as part of our lives going forwards."' You've felt that love Megan and shared it with us. Sometimes you can scarcely believe that people can love this way because it's not what you've experienced before. I only know your family from what you've shared here, but my heart tells me you should trust in the love you've felt for the last few months. I believe you are very much loved.

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  10. In response to Jorg's comment: I think where Megan is coming from (and Megan, correct me if I'm wrong) is that she found out that the family accepting her was some what contingent on her wanting to procreate, rather than being a beautiful person inside and out. It's kind of like finding out that the main reason why the popular kids asked you to hang out with them is because they thought you could use your connections to get them some really hot concert tickets.

    There's a bit of disappointment when you find out there are contingencies or hidden agendas to being wanted or loved.

    To Donald: I have no bitterness in my heart. I'm just a pragmatic person who understands the importance of paying attention to one's thoughts and feelings and self-sufficiency.

    You say you sense "mistrust" and "doubt" in my postings. I could say that I sense you're minimizing Megan's gut reactions - making her second guess her thoughts and emotions. I think we forget sometimesthat what we see as a non-issue in our life is really an issue in someone else's. I think we inadvertantly minimize with good intentions. If it's important to Megan then it's important.

    There's nothing wrong to use discernment to help sort out a complex issue. There's nothing wrong with looking at both sides (or playing devil's advocate) of an issue and there's certainly nothing wrong with validating your perceptions and feelings. This is really what I'm encouraging Megan to do.

    I have two daughters. One is 23 and the other one is Megan's age. My oldest daughter has a degree in biology and works for a DNA facility. My youngest will be heading off to college in the fall and to major in international business.

    I encourage my daughters to think for themselves, and to weigh the consequences of their actions. I've always told them to make sure that they know before hand that they can live with those consequences if they proceed. I've taught them to have all the information possible to help them make their decision and to look at it from as many conceivable angles as possible. Being well-informed is never a bad thing in my opinion.

    I also raised them to be self-sufficient because life is an ever-changing stage. Good intentions and right action don't necessarily guarantee the American dream.

    I've raised them to know the importance of supporting themselves financially and emotionally. Every person, regardless of their gender, should be able to do these things. These "creed" builds character, self-esteem and opportunities for self-growth. It enables you to be a great role-model to others and it's very rewarding to know that you are capable creating the life that you want rather than waiting around for someone to make it happen for you.

    I hope this clears up any quandries as to where I'm coming from.

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  11. In response to ALM,

    I am currently looking for a second wife to love just as much as I love my wife Kalina. For me it is important that she wants to have children since my intentions are to build a strong and loving Christian family. Most people marry nowadays with the idea of creating a family and having children. That is why God created marriage so we can be fruitful, multiply and create strong families. If my second wife wants children but is later not able to have them after we marry I will not love her any less. Like I said you fall in love with the woman but building a family is usually an important part of most marriages be monogamous or plural.

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  12. I want to add: Think of it another way. How about if Megan found a loving poly minded couple and they fell in love but the couple did not want to raise any more children. Would Megan knowing that she wants to be a mother and have children join this couple. Probably not.

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  13. The only suggestion I have for Megan is that she finishes her education. Megan listen to me: find out what you want to study and earn a Bachelor's degree as a backup. You can still have children and study at night or on the weekends. If Steve suddenly dies someday you will still be very young. I am sure you will not inherit enough money to provide for you and your children for the rest of your life. Life is full of unexpected situations and you should always have a good backup plan just in case. I suggest that you sit down with Steve, Shari and Christie and tell them that you want to earn a Bachelor's degree for your own fulfillment as well as the welfare of the family in case they need you to work someday. They will not be able to say no and you will be better of and still fulfill all of your dreams.

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  14. Just been reading silently for awhile...just wanted to make a comment about what 3rd said...why do people ask about the sex all the time...

    Well Im thinking...if 3 women are married to one man all living in the same house...are we really interested in what they watch on tv at night or how they handle the who does what chores issue? Just saying.

    Megan...while I dont personally like the idea of polygany...would never engage in it myself...I dont judge people...life is too hard to spend it trying to feel superior to anyone and their choices...and you do bring an insight into something others would find interesting if nothing else...so nice blog...I think I will keep reading.

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  15. I can sympathize with Megan being uncomfortable having to hear her husband and another wife making love--and I know I'd feel intimidated if my hubby and I were being intimate while someone else could hear us.

    Megan, why can't you, Christie, and Shari live in separate houses or apartments? That's the way they do it on "Big Love", and it seems to work out for everyone to have the privacy they need as well as be available to each other. You shouldn't have to sacrifice all of your privacy to be part of a loving family!

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  16. I think Jorge's suggestion of getting your college degree is fantastic advice. It will provide you and your family much needed security.

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  17. Well Megan! Post about sex and everyone has something to say! lol

    I just love how you are so real with expressing the things your feel in your posts. Post anything you want to. It's your blog!

    I strongly agree with Jorge and ALM. Education is very important and even if you never have to use it to support yourself, it will help you as a mother and wife. Knowledge is a powerful thing. You can never have too much of it. Also having a mother who is constantly learning throughout her life sets a wonderful example for children. You don't have to go full time or even declare a major in the beginning. Just take one or two classes at a time that interest you. You can even do online courses and not even leave your home.

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  18. ALM, I never said we shouldn't listen to our own thoughts and feelings. If you reread my words to Megan you would see that I encouraged her to reflect on ALL her experiences, and to remember the big picture. It's so easy to lose sight of the big picture sometimes because we live moment by moment. If we never stopped to challenge those moment-by-moment doubts with what we know to be true, most of us would be an emotional mess. Since we're talking about marriage here, let's use marriage as an example. ALM, if your husband says something hurtful to you, what do you do? Do you immediately conclude he doesn't love you anymore? I hope not! It might feel that way in that moment, but your marriage is doomed to failure if you operate like that. Sure, you might want to question where the comment came from and discuss it with him, but you also need to remind yourself of the bigger picture — sometimes you need to CHOOSE to remember that your spouse loves you.

    ALM, my challenge to you was really this… Are you simply sensing the seeds of mistrust, or are you watering them and tossing on a little fertilizer?

    Jorge, your hypothetical — where Megan found a family that did not want children — is brilliant! It illustrates the point beautifully. I wish I'd thought of that! :)

    About education… I'd agree with what CM said in principle: 'Knowledge is a powerful thing. You can never have too much of it. Also having a mother who is constantly learning throughout her life sets a wonderful example for children.' BUT (and I know I'm swimming against the 'school' here) I don't agree with everyone saying it has to be a college degree or similar. I have a bit of paper from a University and it has served me well in my chosen career, but honestly, I learned far more in my first few years on the job than I did at Uni — and I'm still learning! Some careers require a degree and some don't. IMO someone who has the initiative to go out and make opportunities for themselves, the humility to start at the bottom if necessary, and the endurance to work hard, will outperform a lazy college graduate any day! So if a college degree really isn't your thing, I'd say instead: read, read, read! And make it something you're passionate about. Learning is easy when you love what you're doing.

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  19. Donald: The chances of earning a living wage increases significantly with a college degree. More than likely that piece of paper from University enabled you to live a more comfortable and secure life than sweeping floors would have.

    Without an advanced education hardwork comes in the way of just that - working hard with little to show for it. A learned and marketable skill or degree generally equates to better pay and better working conditions. A court transcriptionist, nurse or CPA will make more money and have better benefits than someone who flips burgers, babysits or gives massages.

    Your "challenge" seems to insinuate that I'm intentionally trying to sow seeds of doubts in Megan. I take offense to that. I'm starting to wonder if you're one of those men who prefer their women pregnant and barefoot, rather than pregnant, shoed, and self-reliant (with a lot of smart thrown in).

    Your analogy about my husband saying something rude to me leaves me scratching my head. I never implied that one tiny blip on the relationship radar screen automatically ends the relationship, sending me into the streets crying that I'm notloved anymore.

    I may be disappointed in my husband (as I said that Megan might have been when she found that there was a contingency to the family accepting her) but I'm not going to throw in the towel over that. However, if his disrespect and loveless acts escalate to the point where I feel he has no love or respect for me nor I, him - then it might be time for us to go on our seperate ways. Love and respect are the two major keys to any successful and fulfilling relationship.

    If you love and respect your partner then you will never hurt or betray them beyond the point of no return.

    Yes, the big picture is important. And in order to really know what the big picture is, you have to understand the parts of the whole. That is basically what I'm suggesting to Megan.

    I find your "challenge" to be undermining my suggestion that she really takes a honest look at her feelings and figure out what the heck they mean. I think you're using the insinuation as a distraction from the heart of this discussion - which is for Megan to learn all she can about herself and the life she has chosen and all the emotionally, financial, social and legaly peaks and valleys it's going to throw her way.

    I also want her to know that it's okay to question something that once upon a time was clear as a bell. I want her to know that we all change with each experience we live through, and that change is necessary in order to grow as a person.

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  20. Sometimes there's a fine line between challenging someone to question things in a healthy way, and undermining their loyalty and trust. The devil once said to Eve, "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'?" Perhaps Satan was just encouraging Eve to think for herself, not compromise her rights, and be more self-sufficient. (Before you get offended again, I'm not calling you the devil-incarnate now — just trying to illustrate a point.)

    Me? Yes, you have me pegged. I have my wife chained to the washing machine, just out of reach of the book shelf so she can't educate herself and challenge my own private dictatorship. You got a problem with that?

    If you must know, my advice will be the same to all my kids — male and female. If your chosen career requires a Uni degree, that's great. But if your heart's desire and lifelong passion is to join a traveling circus and juggle cumquats, that's okay too — let me know when the first show is and I'll come and cheer.

    Anyway, it was just a vibe and maybe I'm wrong. Go for your life. I'll try and leave it there before this gets any more personal.

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  21. Megan, I don't mean to come off as rude but I just don't see what the problem is. I know you from one of the forum sites you used to post on and as I recall you were very set on having a baby. Then you sought out a family to join where you could follow your heart and now you have a little problem because part of why they wanted you is so you can have babies?

    The word is "hypocrisy". Go look it up.

    You wanted THEM because they would allow you to live the life you were fantasizing about. I'd say the four of you are a matched set. The upside of all of this is that you people seem to be making it work and you should get down on your knees and say thank you to your God for that.

    To everyone else: How can the girl NOT write about sex? She was practically a virgin when she married into her new family and she's getting to deal with the sexual dynamics of something that she was obviously not fully prepared for. As was stated in another comment, it's her blog.

    You're doing fine, Megan. You're probably doing a lot better than most of us posting on here.

    - Marcus

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  22. Donald said...

    BUT (and I know I'm swimming against the 'school' here) I don't agree with everyone saying it has to be a college degree or similar. I have a bit of paper from a University and it has served me well in my chosen career, but honestly, I learned far more in my first few years on the job than I did at Uni — and I'm still learning! Some careers require a degree and some don't. IMO someone who has the initiative to go out and make opportunities for themselves, the humility to start at the bottom if necessary, and the endurance to work hard, will outperform a lazy college graduate any day! So if a college degree really isn't your thing, I'd say instead: read, read, read! And make it something you're passionate about. Learning is easy when you love what you're doing.


    I think as a society we've come far enough to realize that Horatio Alger was blowing smoke up our collective backsides.

    Nobody's encouraging her to go to school for the learning experience-- since I do agree that I've learned more from life experience than anything in school-- but we're encouraging her to pursue a degree as a contingency because later in life, once she has a few kids, she will not have much of an opportunity to do this.

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  23. Johnny, nothing in life is certain except death. If the only reason you're spending 3+ years of your life chasing a degree is a 'contingency', then I think you're already behind where Megan is in her wisdom. Life goes by too quickly to waste it on contingencies.

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  24. *shrug*

    I am not chasing a degree as a contingency; I actually need it to get a job that can be done by lifeforms more intelligent than sea anemones. I've wasted enough of my life trying to "start from the bottom" only to be passed up and ignored in favor of people who do have higher education credentials. (I'm seeking IT work in an area heavily oversaturated with lots of qualified Indian immigrants also seeking work.)

    In Megan's case, though, you're right-- nothing in life is certain except death. Steve is considerably older than Megan. There will come a point in which she's either going to have to find another supportive man or be able to take care of herself. I don't know what will happen to the cohesiveness of the family in such an event, but preparing for this inevitability now will be a lot easier than doing it once she also has a few mouths of her own to feed.

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  25. If IT work is what you're passionate about and you need a degree to make it happen, then I agree — that is right for YOU. All I'm saying is, it's not right for everyone. You can't insure against all life's contingencies.

    I love this quote by John Lennon (who incidentally, never completed his college degree):

    'Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.'

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  26. Personally I prefer Woody Allen's joke:

    "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans."

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