I'm not looking for answers but these things are just on my mind so I am posting them.
1. A pen pal asked me about if I was just expected to be a baby factory because she is interested in poly and the families she contacts all want to know if she will have babies? While I told her that I know some poly families ask this just to sort out the curious women from the serious women it did leave me with questions. I asked Shari if I would have been accepted here if I said I didn't want children and she said that my being open to having kids was a big reason why they decided to accept me. I wanted that anyway but knowing that part of why I am here is to have kids has left me with thoughts I can't explain. It's not like I regret it and it's not like it makes any difference but I guess I wanted to be loved 100% for me and not just for me being a mom. I'm still very much looking forward to being a mom and I know I am so seriously loved but now I wonder if it is about me or not?
2. A couple nights ago I was up late with the baby and on the computer and in the middle of things I got to hear Christie moaning as Steve was doing you know what with her in the next room. Its been one thing to know he is with Christie and Shari and it is another to know it. The next time he was with me after that all I could think of was that his thing had been inside Christie the night before and that he had been making her happy the same way he does with me. And then I know that he does it with Shari and I guess the reality of exactly how the three of us share him just really hit me. I mean I know I knew this all along but it wasnt on my mind as something so real. I don't know why but now I'm just stuck on this in my head now. I guess I never really thought about the sex part and that the part of Steve that is in me sometimes has also been inside Christie and Shari.
3. I talked about my problem in #2 with Christie and she was embarassed that I had heard her and then she was very open talking about it with me. It's not like I am revolted or anything but it's just having an epiphany* about things that changed the way I look at Steve, Shari, and Christie. I guess I never thought of the reality that they make love too. Christie says the word 'confess' a lot and she told me that she thinks it is a little erotic that we are connected by Steve. She says its not like she is gay or anything but that it is a connection we share and it makes her feel closer to me and more comfortable with me. She also says that when she thinks about Steve and me or Shari together it gets her going.
So I guess the whole weirdness for me right now is that I was thinking of Shari and Christie as my sisters and as moms and suddenly seeing them as being sexual is a big adjustment. Like how some kids freak when they catch their parents having sex, you know? It is one thing to know and reason that your parents do it but to catch them and see them as being sexual is a big adjustment.
I am still sorting out how I feel about it. It's not bad or anything I just need to deal is all.
The weather here is HOT. It sucks. We went swimming today and it was wonderful to be in the water and get out of the heat. Christie took Emmy in the pool for the first time and freaked me out when she let go of Emmy and Emmy just started swimming. Christie said swimming is an instinct and all babies know how to do it and that we teach them to be afraid of the water and her kids won't be afraid of the water. Eric swims too.
We did Subway sandwiches for dinner so I didn't have after dinner chores to do. Yay! It was nice not heating up the kitchen. And with Christie getting done with taxes she is doing breakfast somedays so I can sleep in and that has been so good! It is so amazing to get up at 7am instead of 5am for a change.
I got my tax refund for $185.00 and I should have another coming soon. I'm buying Mother's Day presents and a Father's Day present tomorrow at the mall. I am really pumped about my first Mother's Day here and it will be cool to do Father's Day for the first time in a long time and care about it.
Steve is talking about a trip somewhere with all of us. The ideas are Disneyland, a cruise, or a week at a cabin in Lake Tahoe and I guess I want the cruise to Alaska. I always wanted to see Alaska. The only real trip I took was going to Aruba with my friends last year and that was more of just watching everyone party than having a real vacation.
That's all for tonight!
* Christie told me the word for what I was dealing with was 'epiphany'.